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Santa Ana, CA — Some of you may remember Michael Lallana, we featured him back in August after he was accused of ejaculating into a co-worker’s water bottle. There was no doubt of the man’s guilt, DNA tests confirmed the spunk belonged to him, but many of us were left asking, “Why?”

Well, Lallana’s case has finally made it to trial. Jurors yesterday heard Lallana’s taped confession, in which he explained why he felt compelled to pollute that poor woman’s water on two separate occasions.

In an interview with Orange Police Department detectives last year, Lallana admitted that he did it because the woman was attractive and because her lips had touched the bottle in question. “It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” he said. “I saw her water bottle and I did it. For me, it’s a release. I think about my wife.” Lucky lady, huh?

He told police he never thought she would actually drink it. “Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

On the stand, the victim told jurors that the first time she consumed the polluted water, she had a hunch that the artificial flavoring was semen, but said she never would have dreamed that’s what it really was. After the second incident, she testified that she kept the tainted liquid and asked her fiancé put his own semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work. “At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was,” she said. And the taste-testing apparently paid off…

Michael Lallana, 32, has been charged with two misdemeanor counts each of battery and assault, with sentence-enhancing allegations of committing a crime for sexual gratification.

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  • Parrot Toes

    Bwauhahaha. What an idiot. At least he gave a reasonable explanation though, I think. I think he deserves credit for that.

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention Michael Lallana Admits To Ejaculating In Co-Worker's Water Bottle -- Topsy.com()

  • Anonymous

    This article is causing me to rethink my coffee-making regimen at the office.

  • Anonymous

    That’s great… especially the taste-testing. Did she NOT see the milky substance in the water?

  • http://twitter.com/MBBOUNTYHUNTER BOUNTY HUNTER

    this guy has an asswhuppin waitin in his future….hey lady det in touch with me…i will kick the shit outta him for you!!!

  • http://twitter.com/MBBOUNTYHUNTER BOUNTY HUNTER

    geez i cant spell

  • Vannessa

    Ummmm taste-test? If I went to my husband and told him I thought there was jizz in my water bottle from work… i wouldnt have time to ask him to blow it in a different bottle so i could taste test it!! He’d already be out the door and on the hunt for every man i worked with and he would probably beat each one until he got a confession!

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • guillotinegirl

    I bet his wife is thrilled she is not considered ‘as good looking as that.’ On the bright side, at least he wouldn’t do anything to tamper with their marriage.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/John-House/1011555524 John House

    “After the second incident, she testified that she kept the tainted liquid and asked her fiancé put his own semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work. “At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was,” she said. And the taste-testing apparently paid off…”

    …So…instead of just taking the tainted liquid to the cops ASAP, she did a COKE OR PEPSI? experiment with her hubby (because yanno, all semen tastes the same…).

    I’m not sure where the fuck these people work, but I sure as Hell don’t want to be doing business with *any* of them.

  • Smileypants

    I think the taste test thing is hilarious. A little CSI-ish, if you will lol
    As far as this perv….wow. I’m sure his wife is honored to know she’s not “as good looking as that”.
    All I can really say, seeing as how he’s on DD, is at least he didn’t actually rape this woman….but I hope he ends up serving a little time, losing a lot of money and getting divorce papers slapped on him……

  • http://www.dreamindemon.com Morbid

    I can just see here now:

    Ok, honey, let me taste that again….ok, now hand me yours (*takes a swig and swishes it around*)…ok, now give me that other one…

  • Anonymous

    Wow…just wow..

  • Summer

    Uh… yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little. LOL. While the thought that she would think this was a good idea is quite entertaining, it is also very disgusting. Very creative, though. I don’t think this would have EVER crossed my mind.

  • Summer

    So, apparently after the first incident she suspected that the flavor “might” have been semen. Why the hell was that realization not enough to convince her that she needed to pay more attention to her water before drinking out of it? If that were me, I would never again pick up an open bottle of water and drink out of it. Especially not without a thorough examination first. I know damn well she should have been able to see shit floating in her water. How can a person be so oblivious???

  • Anonymous

    ” . . .and asked her fiancé put his own semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.”

    I wonder what his face looked like when she asked him to do that.

  • Anonymous

    All I can think of besides gross isWhat kind of place, do these people work at. How long did she leave this water bottle unattended, that would give him time to do that?As for me I would never leave a drink of any kind unattended.How could she not notice the crap floating inside the bottle.Iam sure its not soluble in water.

  • Lemont Cranston

    LOL You guys are hilarious. Your comments keep for GREAT dinner conversation. Grandma all the way down to the grandkids are spitting milk. Hilarious!

  • Anonymous

    I’ll bet he wishes he had eaten more peppermint before he did that.

  • Anonymous

    I hear you. This guy must have the wateriest clear spunk on earth. How can it no look like white liquid tissue in the water.

  • Anonymous

    But he thought of her while he was doing it. Isn’t that a tribute to their love?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YZUYLTGAQNEDLAGNS6MOWH37WY Angie

    I just can’t…. I don’t… I don’t know, it’s just that this woman’s reaction has me mind-boggled. I simply can’t fathom that my own reaction would be anything remotely similar.

    “Hmmm… kinda tastes like… I dunno, jizz, or somethin, in my water…” So we just go on about our business??? I would have been throwing up, shaking, possibly huddled under my desk, twitching.

    Then to think she left her water bottle unattended AGAIN, and tasted that slightly spunky flavor AGAIN, but this time she capped the bottle, took it home and asked her boyfriend to knock one out into another bottle for a TASTE COMPARISON!!????!? Dear God. Just… wow.

    Maybe it’s just me, but I’d have handled the situation in a completely different manner. Perhaps not nearly as calm, calculated and methodical – could be that there’d have been way more screaming and throwing about of office supplies. I’m thinking my way would not have involved any additional wankin’ into water bottles, taste tests or rational discussions over possible motives.

  • guillotinegirl

    I thought true love only occurred when money changed hands.

  • Anonymous

    Well at some point I think money will exchange hands, but hopefully not with the same hand that got him in trouble.

  • Anonymous

    Oh please, he never thought she’d drink it!? HE WANTED HER TO DRINK IT so that he could somehow fathom & fool himself into believing she sucked his dick & drank his man milk.