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Kansas City, MO – A 64-year-old woman told police she woke up to an intruder in her bedroom at about 1:00 Tuesday morning. That intruder was her neighbor, 62-year-old Laurence Saunders. And he was *gag* butt-nekkid. Saunders reportedly grabbed the woman by the arm and told her he was “just being friendly.” The woman wrapped her hand around the man’s beard and proceeded to drag the old dude to the front door of her mobile home. Before she could throw him out on his scraggly old ass, he allegedly grabbed her by the throat and attempted to choke her. She reached out and grabbed a tape measure and knocked him in the melon two or three times. He then left of his own accord. The woman said she found the man’s shorts sitting on top of a DVD player in her living room. She picked ’em up and threw them at Saunders, who was sitting on her front porch, crying. He was arrested and booked on charges of burglary, sexual misconduct and two counts of assault. Bond has been set at $50,000. Police believe Saunders had been drinking before entering the woman’s trailer. And that wasn’t the first time he entered her home uninvited – police say he entered through an unlocked door the day before to inform her that her dog had escaped through the back door.

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  • Anonymous

    I almost feel bad for the guy, but she was at least fairly sensible in her approach to getting rid of the dude. Far more so than I would have been.

  • Miss Anthrope

    I just threw up a bit . . .ewwwww!

  • Boughtthefarm

    I kinda feel for ’em too. Old scraggly [love that term Jaded] ass can’t get any feminine companionship and he needs alcohol to give him the nerve to think he can get some from this poor lady. Seriously, there has to be someone out there for him. Maybe he can get someone to mentor him on his dating skills and grooming habits. Sad sap!

  • Jury

    Just a reminder:
    Lock your doors
    Bolt your windows
    Turn out the lights

  • Holly Golightly

    So this Dumbledore on meth got into her house the day before through an unlocked door, and she didn’t start sleeping with a baseball bat and locked doors immediately?? Crazy!

  • Anonymous

    Oh he was crying. She should have hit him in the back of the head with a rubber mallet to stop his whining but that would have been pressing the envelope just a bit to far I guess.

  • aka jas

    What the heck is Dumbledore?! Is it like a diddle dee? That is too funny.

  • Pyncky

    Maybe he is the Lincoln Park Rapist!!

  • Anonymous

    Had that landed crying on my porch after finding his putrid nekkid ass in my bed he would have gotten several boots to the head!!

  • Anonymous

    Dumbledore is the junior high version of Gandalf.

  • aka jas

    I knew you would know. Thanks. (I guess I coulda googled it.) :.)

  • Anonymous

    I cant “high 5”. My hand and arm dont permit it. They get weirded out. Looking at that mug, with that nasty beard, my hand went and puked .Arm followed . Oh lord, to even touch that mess…I get weak thinking about it. Bats are better. So is locking your doors.

  • Anonymous

    Hide your kids
    Hide your wife
    Hide your husband too
    They rapin er’ebody out here!
    -Antoine Dodson 🙂

  • IntelligentVirtue

    Is he new face of the boogeyman?

    I can’t blame her for yanking his beard. Whenever I look at it my hand starts reaching on its own. Sigh, I can’t wait for Santa season, I’m going on a beard yanking frenzy..

  • Lookn4mayberry

    OMG ! I’m gagging just from the mugshot ! Eeeeewwwww, I dont want to think about anything else !

  • Mess with her and you mess with the whole, damned trailer park! Fast thinking grabbing that nasty beard. I’ll bet she washed her hands over and over and over and over and over….you get the picture.

  • Kwumey

    awww unrequited love…a man puts it ALL out there and gets shut down.. what an ungrateful heartless douche…she could have at least thanked him for the drawers instead of chuckin em at him. He can do better Im sure

  • Dove

    Hmm…I’m thinking it’s restraining order time.

  • Breadstix

    and sque-e-eeze your butt cheeks together

  • Breadstix

    I hear banjos being played.

  • Anonymous

    So do I, but that’s probably because I live in West Virginia.

  • Angel of Accountability

    I can’t believe anyone feels sorry for this guy. Are you kidding me ?

    Can you imagine waking up with someone in your house ?

    How about someone who was naked ?

    1+ 1 = 2 facts which would lead me to instantly believe the naked person in my house was not “right in the head” …ergo irrational .. and you can NEVER predict the behavior of an irrational person !

    i feel sorry for this poor woman …. who probably had a life flash before your eyes, flight or fight, heartpounding, adrenilin and fear racing terror filled experience she won’t easily forget.

    I admire that she stood up to him … and kicked his ass out the door – but odds were against it ending well for her right from the start. She’s damn lucky.

    p.s. the article says he went in through an unlocked door the previous day – but does not clarify whether at 1:00 am he broke in or let himself in through a still unlocked door.

    are you kidding me … feel sorry for him my ass !

    He didn’t exactly ring the front bell in the afternoon, naked with a flower between his teeth … she woke up to this at 1:00 am

    The fact he was my neighbor, or had poked his head in my unlocked door the day before to tell me my dog was out wouldn’t changed how scared I was at 1:00am

  • Ruby Tuesday

    Okay, I lost it at the part when she found his shorts on the DVD player……..still chuckling…oh, I love this site.

  • Ruby Tuesday

    Okay, I lost it at the part when she found his shorts on the DVD player……..still chuckling…oh, I love this site.

  • Anonymous

    The thought of this man naked . . . I need to go look at some websites with puppies on them now, as I polish off this cocktail, or I will have nightmares.

    Love how the victim survived the assault on her eyeballs by knocking him around, but, hey, lady, psst: lock your door in the future. Doesn’t everyone know to lock their door–at all times, but especially while sleeping? Especially once a guy that looks this fugly has gotten in once before? My guess is she has no A/C in her trailer and her screen door doesn’t have a latch (not that a latched screen door is sufficient for jack shit). Someone donate an A/C to her, please!

  • Anonymous

    Harry potter’s version of Merlin

  • guillotinegirl

    I hope she put on some gloves first.

  • Britnee

    This is the kind of story that just warms your heart……