Good day, sickos. I want to thank all of you for your calls and emails inquiring about my well-being and offering sex at various public parks. But fear not, I am just on a much-deserved, much-needed vacation. Although I am off this week, I will be writing up some stuff off and on while finally being able to focus on some DD house cleaning. I'll also have time to respond to some of you interested in writing. In the meantime, be sure to check out the forums for the latest in terrible news.


Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa Charged After Getting Stuck In Chimney Of Man She Met OnlineTeen With Pre-existing Health Issues Dies Inside Haunted House AttractionMan Goes To Hospital After Chewing On Rat's Head Found In Golden Corral ChiliBoy, 9, Has Arm Ripped Off After Trying To Feed Bear At ZooJonnie Boggess Accused Of Having 'Gentle Sexual Intercourse' With PigletKonrad Peters Accused Of Throwing Dildos At Young GirlsMom Gave Kid Away To Heroin User To Live Life Of Normal Teenager

MASTIC BEACH, N.Y. – Lord knows we have featured hundreds of morons on this site and there are times in which I think people just cannot get any dumber. Then I come across gems like 21-year-old Stephanie Benatatos and her 24-year-old boyfriend, Zifiris “John” Valsamis. This couple needed a plan to get some fast cash so the two dopes put their heads together, squeezed their eyes shut real tight, huffed, grunted and pushed with all their might. To their surprise a little, stinky nugget popped out. This great idea consisted of Benatatos calling her mother and telling her that she and Valsamis had been kidnapped by men in an SUV. Shortly after, Zifiris called Benatato’s mother and told her that the kidnappers had released him so he could collect the $400 he owed them for drugs. If he did not pay them, they would hurt her daughter. After that call, Benatatos dialed 911 to bolster their beautiful plan but Seventh Squad detectives smelled the tiny turd. After questioning the couple, the entire kidnapping was deemed a hoax. The couple were both charged with attempted grand larceny in the 2nd degree and conspiracy in the 5th degree.

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  • Su Do Nim

    Oh God – where to start?

    OK – I am just going to cut-and-paste the suggested comments as I shake my head:

    | Who are you to judge? | Worry about your own life! | Who made you God? | What happened to presumed innocent until proved guilty? | I love you Morbid, you are amazing!

  • penelope mccane

    Um….yeah, that's all I got…oh and I love you Morbid.

  • Karla

    “What a maroon”!

  • Jury

    NASA sign them up. These are two future rocket scientists!

    She should have just spread her legs like any skank, and problem solved. Come on you two, use your head

  • Parrot Toes (kathybird)

    *sings* Dum dum dum dum…….

    The girl looks 12 years old. Crazy.

    And in keeping with the theme, I love you too Morbid, you are amazing :)

  • LeaveMeBe

    Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, oh, oh………….Hahahahahahahaha!

  • littlemoonseductress

    What they lacked in creativity, they made up for with stupidity!

    Nice white egg… this is your brain…. frying pan…. egg cracking… egg frying… this is your brain on drugs…. Any questions? I loved that commercial! Or public service announcement! Whatever it was! Too much drugs… ya know!

  • FlamingFox

    Proof that Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee really do exist.

  • dallas

    Dumb and dumber. She should have used her biological pocket, could have made four hundred bucks in just days!

  • KyFyre

    Are we sure they aren't siblings? They sorta look an awfully lot alike. And I have to ask, couldn't he decide which way to look? Most people look either straight ahead, or off to the side but this man is talented enough he's doing both.

  • guillotinegirl

    The obvious question here is who would pay $400 for the return of these two imbeciles? Paying $400 to keep them away would be a wiser investment. Even if they weren't afraid to make $5 the hard way, it would still take these lameasses months to come up with that kind of cash on their own.

  • AMGallagher

    Wow- they are as stupid as they look!

  • thehesbomb

    Bwahaha – $400?!?! I guess ya get what you pay for!

  • shyloh

    $400.00, that's it? I guess they didn't think they were worth more than $200.00 each.

  • popeyeray

    She should have just spread her legs like any skank, and a little, stinky nugget would have popped out.

  • bornsavinglives

    XI love you Morbid, you are amazing!X

    It is almost sad what they think there worth. Should I fake my own kidnapping I would hold out for more than that … *tuttut*

  • lisaann1979

    “Are we sure they aren't siblings?” just wanted to add “or the products of siblings?”

  • Guest420

    21 and 24??? they look like 12 and 16 . . . .

  • Randy Whisnant

    J to the O to the B