Clymer, PA – It has been said time and time again that some men will tap absolutely anything with a pulse – some dudes don’t even let the lack of a pulse stand in their way. And I am fully aware that many women are prone to dabblin’ in the doinkage of domesticated pets and assorted barnyard animals. As far as I know, though, they are usually into a particular species. Some women like doing it doggy-style. Literally. Some enjoy a well-hung horse. Hell, I’m sure there is at least one female on this planet who would bed Steven Seagal. (No. It ain’t me). But this is the first time I’ve heard of anyone having relations with a pig. Now, when I see a pig, the first thing that crosses my mind is mmmm…bacon. Not mmmm…nookie. Not because they aren’t as attractive as Rover or Wildfire, mind you, but because of their somewhat freaky anatomy, which we will get in to a bit more after the jump. According to authorities, Dovie Lee Kerner, 47, had not just one of the above, but three! She is accused of having sexual relations with a horse, a Jack Russell terrier, and Steven Seagal a pig. To make matters even worse, not to mention ickier, it is alleged that the dog and his human both contracted an STD. E-I-E-I-Ewwww.
The investigation into Kerner’s alleged love of animals began back in 2008 when an official at the Humane Society answered a phone call from a man who questioned the legality of fucking livestock. When the official told him that it is illegal to partake in sexual activity with barnyard animals, the informant revealed he had a video on his cell phone showing Kerner having sex with a horse. Because of Kerner’s extra-curricular activities with other men and various animals, the informant, who was dating Kerner at the time, claimed he and his dog contracted a sexually transmitted disease from the woman. After a lengthy and thorough investigation, Kerner has been arrested and charged with two counts each of obscene and other sexual materials and performances and disorderly conduct and one count of sexual intercourse with an animal. The criminal complaint can be read here, but because of the graphic nature of the allegations, the probable cause affidavit has not been released to the public. Bummer, I know. I’d kinda like to know where and when the pig entered the picture.
Now, back to our anatomy lesson. I had heard that a pig’s dick resembles a corkscrew, and because I will go to any length to satisfy you, our faithful readers, and my own curiosity, I Googled pig penis. (I hope to HELL there is never a need for my computer to undergo a forensic examination – I would surely be looking at a date with The Chair). If you would actually like to see a pig peener in action, you can watch a video here. If you’re not into the whole visual thing, I’ll explain it as best as I can. It looks kind of like a pig tail, but stretched out. It’s very long and very thin – kinda like a crooked twig. It looks extremely uncomfortable and not the tiniest bit attractive. There. I have done my good deed for the day. I was going to celebrate with a big ass plate full of bacon, but I seem to have lost my appetite for pork.