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Elyria, Ohio- Of all the perps I’ve had the pleasure of writing about over the past year, I think Andrew Whiteman is one of the first I kind of like. Police responded to a call around 3 a.m. last Saturday of an extremely intoxicated man who was allegedly trying to break into a drug store. Upon arrival, deputies found a muddy and completely soaked Andrew Whiteman staggering around the outside of the store. Whiteman’s speech was slurred, his eyes were blood-shot and he smelled strongly of alcohol. A witness told the officers he had observed Whiteman pulling on the exterior doors and kicking the steel door frames of the business. When the witness told Whiteman the business was closed, Whiteman said his goal was to get some money. After questioning Whiteman, the deputies decided to place him under arrest for attempted breaking and entering. What the foolish mortals didn’t know was that the man they were taking into custody was actually a Vampire.

That’s correct. While en route to jail, Whiteman informed the officers that they were in big trouble because he was actually a 100-year old Vampire and he could smell their blood from the back seat of the patrol car. Whiteman warned the officers of his desire to suck their blood and even threatened to kill one of the deputies and the deputy’s family, including his children. When they reached the jail, the mouthy fruit-bat continued to be a pain in the neck and had to be forcibly removed from the vehicle. He was taken into the booking area where he continued to be irate and unruly throughout the entire booking process. Whiteman also threatened a female adviser by telling her that he wanted to eat her kidney.

Because of his behavior, the Count had to be placed in a four-point restraint chair, also known as The Devil’s chair. In addition to attempted breaking and entering, Whiteman, 21, 100, was charged with intimidation and disorderly conduct while being voluntarily intoxicated. Whiteman, who lives in Michigan, recently came to the area to apply for Fall classes at Oberlin College. Deputies said when Whiteman finally sobered up, he was apologetic and embarrassed about his behavior which just goes to prove that Vampires can be nice, even after they get a bit mouthy. icon wink Andrew Whiteman Told Cops He Was A 100 Year Old Vampire

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Comments


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  • MISSanthropic

    Pffffft. He is not sparkly like the Twilight vampires, what a HACK.

  • Jury

    Hope he was going to attend night school.

  • darsa

    FF, you write the BEST stories =D

    I can just picture this guy sitting in jail with a glue stick and a bottle of glitter…

  • OnceSilent

    “the mouthy fruit bat” Best line ever!

  • cplkevindheglar

    Good Morning Flaming….For some reason I don't think it is the last we have heard from the good Count here. His picture looks sorta like a young Dahmer type and talking of eating kidneys and sucking blood is never a good sign. I am sure he will be head lining the DD in the future.

    Anyone else have the same feeling?

  • http://theflamingfox.wordpress.com/ FlamingFox

    Good morning to you, too.

    I think the kid was just being a stupid drunk, at least I hope so. It's not cool that he threatened the officers or their families, though. Maybe the next time he drinks he should be more like Count Von Count on Sesame Street and start keeping track of how many Bloodweisers he consumes…

  • http://theflamingfox.wordpress.com/ FlamingFox

    Why, thank you, my dear! :)

  • cplkevindheglar

    “start keeping track of how many Bloodweisers he consumes”

    LMAO!!!! Good One.

  • Ninja0980

    I vant to suck your blood, I vant to suck your blood… and I will, after I recover from passing out

  • KatONine

    It's worse when they actually do believe that they are vampires or werewolves or fairies when they are sober. I know someone who claimed he was a 4,000 year old vampire and somehow he still manages to get laid and breed with willing women. I feel so sorry for that nutbar's children, so sorry.

  • Julie

    OH MY GOD I graduated with this kid! He was a huge nerd, I can't even imagine him getting drunk let alone pulling that stunt!

  • concept21

    Ahahahaha, the crossing out of the 21 and addition of 100 MADE the article for me!

  • Smiley

    Man, I have been knock-down drag-out stupid-ass drunk before in my life, but I've never thought I was a vampire…..dunno what he was drinking, but it must have been VERY potent LOL

  • jus shaking my head

    Fox,
    You've done it again! Laughing so hard I have spewed lemonade all over the computer screen!

  • http://theflamingfox.wordpress.com/ FlamingFox

    Aw, thanks, Sweetie. I love seeing you commenting on the FP. I'll try to remember to put a warning up for ya next time. ;)

  • guillotinegirl

    Maybe he wasn't drunk. He could've just drank the blood of someone who was.

  • Wildheart

    Then that would make it INvoluntary intoxication. :)

  • popeyeray

    What a clever boy!…I think i'll eat his LIVER!!!

  • absynthe

    funniest story I have ever read on the FP.

  • defenestratethis

    I used to go to this website called Vamp.com..Its for 'real vampires', wannabe vampires looking for a sponser, and regular humans who want to know more. I would just go there to jerk their chains and stuff, because I loved the reactions I got. One guy told me ” We will find your wretched ass and drain you, and your rotting, stinking corpse will never be found!!!” Another lady, who was 163 years old, said she was going to come to me in my sleep, rip my head off and laugh. Funny, fun, and weird…lol. The monitor of the site was supposedly a serial killer who joined the marines so he could get paid for doing what he loved….

  • christy

    >>Maybe he wasn't drunk. He could've just drank the blood of someone who was<<
    This and the story made me LOL. Thanks guys!

  • kandacehogan

    must have been TruBlood… lol

  • Ayame

    Wow … I have never laughed so hard in all my life! I almost … ALMOST … spit out my mouthful of sprite.

  • kristina

    anyone else think this douche looks like a McPoyle brother off Always Sunny in Philidelphia?

    do you have any milk?

    do you want a bathrobe?

    do you want to take a shower with me and my brother?

  • Count Rackula

    I didn't want to mention it because I didn't want to look completely stupid if no one knew what I was talking about, but yes, I agree with you 100%!!

    “Why don't we just split it 50/50/50?”

    “Do you even know what you're saying?”

    Love that shit.

  • kristina

    omfg did you see the episode where the mcpoyles held the gang hostage and they had their deaf mute sister with them and dennis tried to seduce her omg its so freaking hilarious!!

    all i have to do is lick my lips and my bf just about dies laughing!

    LMAO 50/50/50 hahahahahahahahahhaha!!

  • Count Rackula

    Yes!!! And sweet Dee is in the giant shirt and the turn up the heat so everyone is all sweaty and shit. I have all the seasons that are currently out, as well as the Christmas movie. I LIVE for that shit!!! Hey Mac and Dee are having a beh-beh. I would imagine it will be one of the most hilarious children ever!

    God watching that episode though I can practically taste the sweat coming off of them. What about the one where “The Gang Gets Invicible?” And the McPoyles pull up in their creepy camper and like twenty of them pile out of it, and Charlie and Frank are on acid and Charlie ends up in Green Man, and they're all dancing and shit and at one point one of the McPoyles is dumping milk all over herself while dancing… Oh my god. That shit is just epic.

  • kristina

    OMFG having a BEH BEH!!!!????? like the dumpster baby dennis and sweet dee found that one time???

  • Count Rackula

    LOL!!! No, I have no idea whose kid that was that was getting shoe polish rubbed all over it. This is their first child together, but god I'm just waiting to see if they'll name it DB. That would totally make my whole life!! You gotta google that whole thing, Kaitlin Olsen is a really cute pregnant lady. I just can't ever take either of them seriously after that show though! I saw the picture of them at some event, and she's showing, due later in the year, and he has his hand on her belly and he's looking at the camera, and he just has that same fucking look on his face that he always does. I can't imagine what they're going to put that child through. I'm anticipating that perhaps they'll throw a sombrero on it and put it in a chip commercial, after painting it up with brown shoe polish. LOL And at the bottom of that story a commenter actually said, “That baby will definitely not be a dumpster baby.”

    Now if Charlie and the waitress would have a baby in real life everything would be complete!

  • Count Rackula

    Oh man though. Charlie should babysit and leave that gem of a note he left when he took DB.

    “Taked baby. Meet at later bar. Night or day. Sometime.”

  • Kristina

    Oh crap I didn't know you meant in real life! Holy crap! That's great! We have all the episodes too it helped my dad go through chemotherapy. He thought it was funny as shit.

  • Kristina

    Oh crap I didn't know you meant in real life! Holy crap! That's great! We have all the episodes too it helped my dad go through chemotherapy. He thought it was funny as shit.

  • Count Rackula

    Crazy right??? They are married in real life and so are Charlie and the waitress. But yeah they're having their first child together this year. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad!!! That's gotten me through some rough shit too. If you haven't seen the Christmas movie you should really check it out. It's HILARIOUS!!!