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Aberdeen, UK – Last November, a woman called police to complain that her boyfriend was shit-faced and she wanted him removed from her home. When officers arrived, they found 28-year-old Marium Varinauskas sitting on the couch in his underwear. A female officer, perhaps trying to calm the drunken fool and convince him to leave without a fight, took a seat near Marium on the couch. (Cue hysterical Jaded snortgiggling in 3…2…) Marium then stood up over the officer, whipped out his junk and thrust it in the officer’s face, trying to thunk her in the head with it. The officer was forced to take evasive action and just barely managed to avoid being cock slapped. Marium and his wee willy were promptly taken out the door and straight to jail. He was was due to go on trial for assault, but changed his plea to guilty on Tuesday. The court accepted his plea and has fined him £600, which, and spork me if I’m wrong, amounts to about $900 and some change. The extremely embarrassed and apologetic Marium has decided to quit with the binge drinking as a result of the whole incident.

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  • The visuals of that officer dodging out of the way before having a dick hit her in the face just makes me laugh.

  • petepuma

    With regard to my personal “drunkness rating scale,” this man's actions fall into the “just getting started” category.

  • I haven't been able to stop laughing….it's getting kinda painful.

  • backlash

    assault with intent to cause mushroom-shaped bruise?

  • nunya

    In America that dude would have been fined, imprisoned, and have to register for the rest of his life as a sex offender. Oh, and he would have had probation and have to take classes too.

  • You never know, he could have ended up with a date…

  • tenente

    and you're telling me that if some random dude at a bar honestly told he tried to cock slap a cop you wouldn't buy him a round?

  • polomint38

    I've been to Scotland, this is quite normal behaviour those sweatys* .
    He would have been on the Buckie.

    *sweaty sock = Jock (slang for Scottish person)