Chelsea, MA – As many of you know, we have quite the collection of “animal lovers” gracing our kick-ass website. Male and female. Oral and otherwise. We have stories of dog lovers and horse lovers aplenty. Oh, and let’s not forget Bryan James Hathaway, the opportunist who took advantage of a dead deer laying in a ditch. But, I gotta say, never, not in a bajillion years, did I think I would be writing a story about some fucktard facing prison time because he loved a bunny. Last Friday, Abel Aguirre, 38, was convicted on charges of animal cruelty for porkin’ his roommate’s rabbit. On June 1st of ‘08, Abel’s roommate came home to a very disturbing scene – in the bathroom, she found blood and clumps of rabbit fur. A bloody claw that used to be attached to her pet rabbit was among the icky mess on the bathroom floor and the bunny itself was injured and bleeding. Upon further investigation, the woman discovered a used condom, covered in rabbit fur, in Abel’s bedroom. One thing led to another and Abel is now looking at two years in prison and a $2,500 fine at sentencing. The rabbit later died, but not from injuries related to the rape.

A couple of things ran through my mind when I first came across this story. #1. I’ve owned many rabbits, and most of them were real assholes. How the hell did he manage to keep that bunny still while he had his way? After an incident involving my last bunny and a bathtub, I ended up looking, and feeling, as if I had wrestled with a barbed wire fence. #2. He had enough forethought to think about protecting himself against a possible bunny STD, but didn’t have enough forethought to think that fucking a rabbit is just, well, WRONG? #3. Because the rabbit did not die after being raped by a human, Abel Aguirre must have the tiniest dick in history.

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