CARROLLTON, Ohio – Diane Lyons was inside Discount Drug Mart with her children when one of her daughters informed her that her 6-year-old daughter had stuck a pack of stickers in her shirt. “I went over there to see in her shirt and I found it and I took her right to the manager,” said Lyons. But she wasn’t satisfied with that, and called police. The police came and did the “stick the kid in the car to try and scare her straight” crap, letting her off with a warning. But the police did say that the girl could have had charges pressed against her and let her know if she is caught doing it again, they would. But I’m not posting this story to praise the mother for what she did, because honestly, calling the police on your daughter for a pack of stickers is about 15-miles into the land of ridiculous. No, I am also posting it for something she said. She admitted that she thought of cashing in on a reward the store offers for turning in shoplifters. “There was a sign and I just didn’t know. Then I felt bad so I just didn’t even call,” said Lyons. oO

So here is a quick story of my first shoplifting attempt. One time in Sears, I wandered away from my mother and went to the toy aisle. On one of the shelves I spied a Strolling Bowling toy out of its packaging (basically a wind-up bowling ball with legs). I swiped that shit and put it in my pocket. My mother witnessed me doing that and walked over to me. After smacking me hard enough to make my ears ring for a few hours, she told me to put that where I found it. I did so and learned a valuable lesson in the process. Always make sure no one is looking when you steal something.

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