Tool Gets Shank Stuck Up His Butt

December 3, 2009 by Jaded  

Merced, CA – Just when you think you’ve heard it all, along comes a tool like Rance Johnson. Rance, a gang member who is being held at the Merced County Main Jail for allegedly shooting a 17-year-old male back in September, approached a corrections official on November 18th to complain about some discomfort he was feeling after having shoved something up his ass three weeks prior. The thing up his butt was a shank, and yes, it had been up in there for about three weeks. Wait…what? This dumbass had something shoved up his butt for a total of three weeks before he started to feel uncomfortable?  Rance told officials that he had no idea what the object was, but that he had seen it laying on the floor in an interview room. Opportunist that he is, Rance smuggled the object out of the room via the old poop chute, after wrapping it up in toilet paper and a plastic baggy, of course. Good thinking, Rance! I mean, you don’t know where that shank was before you happened upon it, right? Hygiene first!

Somehow, the object shifted inside his anal cavity and got stuck. (Kinda puts a whole new spin on ‘anal retentive,’ doesn’t it)? Rance was taken to the emergency room and the 5-inch piece of sharpened plastic was surgically removed – at taxpayer’s expense. “The taxpayer money does cover actual stupidity; hence this guy did have to have this surgically removed,” said Sheriff Mark Pazin. “It’s unfortunate, but it’s a mandated surgery.” Rance Johnson, 19, now faces concealed weapons charges. And, for your viewing pleasure, the shank in question…

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