Before you read any further, please note that I am in no way affiliated with Archie Mcphee. In fact, I’m not real sure how happy anyone from their company would be knowing that I am about to feature some of their novelty items right along side stories of a guy who removed his ex-girlfriends eyeball with a coat hanger and a husband who set his wife on fire. But me and Jaded love a good chunk or their product line and figured we would share some of our favorites that would also appeal to our twisted readers. Since their stuff is all pretty cheap, we also thought it would help some of you with your X-Mas list or help you pick up something cool and inexpensive to stuff in the stocking of that special someone you know with a sense of humor as morbid and off-kilter as our own.
You can’t go wrong with skulls. Ever. In fact I can confidently say I’ve never seen a skull I didn’t like. Hell, even the word is cool. Skull. Archie Mcphee has a few bone related products, but the two I liked the most were the Stuffed Latex Glow in the Dark Cattle Skull ($17.95). I figure this fake one will be more appealing than the cow skull I have on my dining room table and could never quite clean the flesh out of. And for those of you out there raising any females for my future Morbid’s Morbid Concubine Army of Morbid, break them in while they’re young and get ‘em the Pink Flocked Skull for Girls ($16.95).
They also have a shitload of edible products including bacon flavored gum, brain flavored mints and Hobo jelly beans, but the two we liked most were the Gummy Maggots ($2.50) and especially the Gummy Heart ($4.95). They just seemed a bit more morbid as the maggots are life-sized and the heart is pretty big (4” tall) so you actually get to gnaw on it rather than simply popping it into your mouth.
One of the more popular items they sell, aside from bacon related items, are their selection of rubber ducks. Hey don’t ask me but people dig ‘em and I admit that there were a few in there collection that caught my eye. The Devil Duck ($4.50), Dead Duck ($2.95) and Zombie Duck ($4.50) were just strange enough to appeal to my need to own every strange item I come across on the web. These transactions usually end with me proudly showing it off to a friend only to have them stare at me with sympathy and a bit of fear as they tentatively pat me on the back. But who cares, right? At least now I have someone to keep me company in the bathtub aside from my sister.
They have a lot of strange action figures, including school lunch lady, librarian and Rosie the Riveter. But you just cannot beat the Deluxe Miracle Jesus Action Figure ($12.95) that comes with glow-in-the-dark miracle hands, five loaves of bread, two fish and a jug for turning water into wine. That’s fucking awesome and I imagine many hours of me aggravating my Fundie co-worker as I have Jesus getting sloshed and battling my Evil Stapler. I also liked the Edgar Allan Poe Action Figure ($8.95) with removable raven and the Crazy Cat Lady ($10.95). Not the Simpson’s character, but a real one. I already purchased this one for a friend of mine with no sense of humor. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.
If you are like me and have a strange fascination for the internal working of mammals, you can now admire them from the safety of your own home without all the mess with these Cow, Dog and Pig models ($34.95). Honestly? I have no idea why any normal person would own any of these – and display them. But I will tell you that I have human anatomy models spaced around the house. The one I keep in the bathroom works wonders on pesky one-night-stands who over stay their welcome. With these, I can complete my home’s motif and besides, maybe with one of these handy, the next time I slaughter a dog in the bathtub it wont be such a fruitless venture.
Ok, we have all seen things like this before. Usually when the Target’s and Wal-mart’s fill their Halloween aisle with them. But these two I have not seen and in the case of the Giant Mutant Cockroach ($24.95), it will work just as well as a Fallout 3 Radroach replica. For the Stuffed Latex Vulture ($19.95), I see a new hood ornament to replace the neighbors dead cat. They also have a giant fly, spider and lizard. All perfect to scare friends and family, torture very young children or for speeding up an elderly relative’s mortal coil shuffle so you can have the spare bedroom back.
They have a slew of them. Got a horror movie lover you need to buy for? Pick up the Horrified B-Movie Victims Play Set ($15.95) in conjunction with the Glow in the Dark Zombies Play Set ($15.95) and they can act out their favorite zombie film. Or in my case, use them to form survival scenarios and strategies for the upcoming zombie invasion. But if horror is not what you’re looking for, they have others. Check out the awesome Avenging Unicorn Play Set the Angry Mob Play Set or the Cryptozoological Play Set.
No gift list can be complete without zombies. It is literally impossible. Hell, no list of any type is complete without zombies. Thankfully, Archie McPhee has a couple zombie items for you walking corpse lovers. I already have the Remote Control Zombie but I do not own the Zombie Pet Shoppe ($12.95) which I will undoubtedly have placed on my desk at work to fight with the Deluxe Jesus. I also do not own the Glow Zombie Finger Puppets ($4.95) which I cannot wait to adorn my fingers with for my next Parent Teacher Conference regarding my child’s bizarre behavior in class. I’m thinking of wearing the Skeleton Pirate Finger Puppets on the other hand. Possibly have them all address the teacher individually.
So that’s just a small sampling of all the off-the-wall stuff you can pick up on the cheap. But even if you think this shit is just too ridiculous to spend any money on, lighten up. Then be sure to stop by their site and browse the entire catalog of strange stuff they have (Meatball Flavored Gum? Bacon Band Aids? Cupcake Flavored Dental Floss? Oh yeah, they got it.) or if you are in Seattle, simply browse them all in person at their store.