hehehehe....I used that excuse to get out of a speeding ticket once. It actually worked. Then again, I wasn't shaking my junk at little kids...

Explosive diarrhea huh? Interesting!??!!

Yesterday, I had an upset stomach that got compounded by a $1 double-cheeseburger from Burger King. I went to evacuate my bowels in our company restroom, but someone had used a sawed-off shitgun on it. Luckily, the stomach cramps dissipated and by the end of the work day, I felt fine. Hungry even.

I picked up my evil spawn, we went to Game Stop and then had some Mexican food. I ordered two burritos. One with seasoned ground beef, the other with shredded beef. This came with re-fried beans and rice. I dropped off the spawn at the Evil Ex Lair and proceeded to get on I-485 for the 30 minute drive back home.

10-minutes in, I am stuck in a virtual parking lot because of a wreck some odd miles in front of me. No nearby exit ramps, no nothing but darkness lit by a sea of brake lights. And then the stomach pain began. Pain unlike any other. As if I was giving birth in reverse. Or that a large, smelly rat was chewing his way through my intestines. I did a lot of praying that the pain would subside and a lot of calculating on exactly what I was going to do if it did not.

I came to the realization that if the need arose, and I was still stuck in unmoving traffic - I would simply try to shit in the backseat inside of a Food Lion bag that had been left back there. But if I made it through the wreck and was doing 75mph when the involuntary bowel eruption were to occur, I would simply shit my pants - or if possible, get into the emergency lane and leave my own personal roadkill. Once I accepted my options, I was at peace. A calmness swept over me as if I were Major Dan facing the storm atop my own crow's net. "Come on, bowels!" I screamed. "Bring it on, BETRAY ME!"

But the excruciating stabs of internal pain actually subsided to waves of dull aching and I was able to make it home. Barely. My toilet was destroyed, my bathroom condemned for several hours. But I survived. Good God, Almighty...I survived.

My God Morbid, that read like a Tom Clancy novel. I was on the edge of my seat for the whole ride. The way you taunted your bowels to do their worst is truly brave and inspiring. The shock and awe campaign you inflicted on your porcelain enemy must have been devastating to it's morale. You are a real American hero. I salute you sir.

Thanks, Morbid, for the visuals. This time, they were accompanied by audio. Appreciate it. Ass.

This time, they were accompanied by audio

At least you didn't hear what I had to listen to. It sounded like a whoopee cushion full of syrup.

It sounded like a whoopee cushion full of syrup.

Can I get that as a ringtone?

I am laughing very very hard at the mental image of a man crouching in the back seat of his car, shitting into a Food Lion bag. Seriously. ha ha ha ha

I love it when Uncle Morbid tells a good shit story!

Great dietary habits there. Glad you survived!

Morbid, that is too funny! Those $1 double cheeseburgers are hell on one's stomach. I ate two of them on afternoon after I'd starved all day for a blood workup - bad idea. If you had shit on yourself, you'd have had to sell that car!

Jaded,Morbid: Thanks for the shit giggles! Hella funny!

But the excruciating stabs of internal pain actually subsided to waves of dull aching and I was able to make it home. Barely. My toilet was destroyed, my bathroom condemned for several hours. But I survived. Good God, Almighty…I survived.

Morbid... that is some funny shit. Pun intended ;)

Okay the shit story was just too much- and why did ya have to bring double cheeseburgers into it? Damn man

You are skilled at shit retention and are at one with it.

This is not new, is it?