Langley, British Columbia – To the men in Langley – might I suggest adding a protective cup to your daily wardrobe? Seems there is a psycho bitch running loose up there who may find enjoyment in random peter punting. Anthony Clark, 22, was walking around Langley last month, just minding his own business, when a strange woman on the street approached him and kicked him in the nads. Just like that. Poor guy didn’t realize the severity of the blow to the acorns until later that night when he “noticed something was missing.” The demented stranger kicked him hard enough to send one of the crown jewels straight up into his abdomen. Clark visited a specialist in the hopes that the beloved bollock could be coaxed out of his gut to continue life in it’s rightful spot. No such luck.

Those ain't jellybeans...

See that picture? Those are prosthetic testes – Clark lost a nut in the attack and will require a prosthetic replacement. For Christmas this year, Anthony Clark gets a new nut. Nice. The news isn’t all bad, I guess – “My doctors say I will still be able to have children,” Clark said. “But at 22 that’s not something I want a stranger, this woman, to decide.”

Embarrassed by the whole incident, Clark waited for nearly four weeks before going to police. Come to find out, Clark isn’t the woman’s only victim – though there hasn’t been any other official reports of ball bashing, police believe there are at least four other victims. The assailant is described as a Caucasian woman, in her late teens or early 20s, between 5′5″ and 5′7″, about 130 pounds with a slim build, and brown hair. “I just want to know what her problem is,” Clark said. “People like her shouldn’t be on the streets.” Indeed, Anthony. Indeed.

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