LARIMER COUNTY – A little over a week ago, two sisters-in-law were out on a hike along Signal Mountain Trail near the Comanche Peak Wilderness Area. As they were walking, A man wearing gray camouflage clothing and a face mask jumped out of the woods attacked them at knifepoint. “An assailant surprised them – jumped out from behind some trees and put a knife to one of the victim’s throats,” Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden said at a news conference on Monday. “It was obvious from the statements that he made as well as from his actions that he intended on committing a sexual assault.” One of the women used her walking stick strike her friend’s attacker. When he turned on her, the other woman attacked him. The man then ran off. Roadblocks were set up and police began searching for the assailant reporting they had a person of interest that night. That person has now been arrested and identified as 38-year-old James Jud Bondsteel of Loveland.

He is facing charges of second-degree kidnapping, criminal attempt to commit a sexual assault, first-degree assault and menacing with a deadly weapon. Kudos to the police department for acting quickly and apprehending this idiot before he tries this dumb shit again and actually succeeds. And congratulations to the ladies as well. It may not always work in every situation, but fighting back just seems to be the best thing to do when a fat dude in a ski mask is trying to rape you in the woods. I wonder if walking sticks will see a sales increase over this?

And fellas, there are much better ways to meet women on these hiking trails. You need to do what I do. I simply put on my Jr. High gym shorts sans underwear, headband and knee-high socks and head out to the local park. I jog in place until a female comes around and I start doing leg exercises like lunges or squats. It only takes a couple times for my testicles to kiss the dirt path before the chick is running like hell – probably to go get a pen to write down her number, or go get her friends so we can hang out – I am not sure, as they always seem to get lost on the way back to me.

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