Speak Softly but Carry a Potato Rake
September 10, 2009 by Dr.Monoculous
Sumter, SC – Theodore Roosevelt was the 26th President of the U.S., and the first American to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Rumor has it the ‘teddy bear’ was named after him, and he had a guinea pig named Father O’Grady and a snake named Emily Spinach. Really. Where the fuck was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Teddy once said: “Walk softly, but carry a big stick.” Perhaps 31 year old Carlos Lincoln was thinking about that sage advice when, during an argument on September 5th, he picked up a piece of wood to beat the shit out of 21 year old Reginald Gass. Perhaps that is when Gass recalled his favorite Teddy Roosevelt quote, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are”, when he plunged a potato rake into Carlos’ chest. Ouch. Did anyone else accidentally read “potato cake” at first and giggle?
Reginald Gass
It was your typical SaturdaySaturday reviews
afternoon on Atlantic Avenue. That is, if you managed to ignore the two dudes furiously sword fighting on a front lawn across the street with a stick and a potato rake. According to the coroner, Harvin Bullock, the two were arguing when Lincoln picked up the wood and Gass grabbed the rake (cue old Star TrekStar Trek reviews
fighting music). Apparently, the two ad-hoc samurai squared off there in the yard for a bit, swinging and striking at each other, which you’ll have to admit, was probably fairly entertaining. Gass ended the fight however, when he buried the potato rake in Lincoln’s chest like a fucking battle axe, killing him. Coroner Harvin Bullock sums it up: “I found it very unusual, just to know that you could come up with a potato rake in the middle of the afternoon when you’re in the middle of a fight,”. Maybe that “Gardening Tools for Guns” trade-in program a few months ago wasn’t the best idea.
My condolences to any family and/or friends Carlos Lincoln left behind. SenselessSenseless reviews, violent, tragic death can seem almost impossible to overcome. What could have caused two adult men to suddenly square off, gritting their teeth and desperately snatching at junk piles to secure some edge in the coming clash? We know they were arguing, and one article says the men were cousins (yet another states they were acquaintances) – a family dispute? Too much emphasis on random Teddy Roosevelt quotations in the Sumter public school system? Violence in video games? If so, then I guess my pre-ordered copy of “Farm Fighter IV” won’t be arriving any time soon. Oh, well. Who wants potato cakes?
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11:23 am on September 10th, 2009
My version of Farm Fighter: Chucking Chickens, is great. Much better than Farm Fighter II: When Pigs Fly. It doesn’t involve potato rakes though. And yea, I first read potato cake; must be my dyslexia kicking in. Good write up!
11:24 am on September 10th, 2009
A potato rake. Being unfamiliar with the particulars associated with harvesting, well, anything, I decided to look it up. I’m curious as to how, EXACTLY, it caused death. I suppose it must have punctured the man’s chest, but did he bleed to death, or was there damage done to the heart or something? Strikes me (har, har) as awfully savage, managing to actually kill another man with such an instrument.
A couple questions for the author (should you care to humor me) – Do you write in some other capacity? And, are you British (or Canadian or Australian)?
11:55 am on September 10th, 2009
Funny stuff, Doc. Nice write-up.
No mention of any charges being filed?
12:28 pm on September 10th, 2009
It did say they were still investigating to determine whether or not dude was acting in self defense. Charges are probably hinging on that decision.
1:27 pm on September 10th, 2009
A couple questions for the author (should you care to humor me) – Do you write in some other capacity? And, are you British (or Canadian or Australian)?
1:29 pm on September 10th, 2009
Sorry, but somehow the quote thingy ended up all backwards. Can’t be my fault, right?
3:28 pm on September 10th, 2009
Nah, never!
10:40 am on September 14th, 2009
Yes and I love potato pancakes. My Mom makes the best, I can’t wait till her next visit and neither can my father in law!
8:09 am on September 16th, 2009
Athena,
I don’t know where you got that erroneous info on the potato rake, but, they don’t look anything like that. A potato rake looks like a short handled pitchfork with broader tines. I know, because I’ve used them. So if you look at it that way, it’s easy to imagine how the rake did such serious damage.
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