Four college students are on a road trip documenting the cultural history of rural areas. After three days of travelling backroads, they have grown bored with fields, covered bridges and large balls of twine. They want something juicy and adventurous for their project and end up finding it in the backwoods, Ozark Mountain town of Shiloh. They have been informed of the town’s local legend, a place deep in the woods called the Albino Farm that is rumored to contain a regular cornucopia of mutants and sideshow freaks. It’s all just tall tales of course, stories dreamed up by locals to scare the children. But with no real material for their project, these four geniuses decide they should look into the legitimacy of the Albino Farm by finding the location of this remote, mutant farm in the woods and, you know, investigate it. At night. If the synopsis to this piece of shit sounds remotely interesting, by all means, read on. If not, no worries. the film is as bad as it sounds.
Well it took me a few times to get through it, but I have finally finished Albino Farm and I can report back to you that you should not waste your time or money on this. If you are like me and have to see films for yourself, consider yourself warned. This low-budget, hick horror is bad from beginning to end, and aside from a couple of the mutant effects, there really isn’t a thing that I can recommend to any horror fan – no matter what you look for in your horror movie. It’s one of those films that is so inept in overall talent and originality, that it doesn’t even fit in the “so bad it’s good” territory.
Based very loosely off the legend of the Springlawn Farm located on the outskirts of Springfield, Missouri, a farm sometimes known as the Albino Farm. The name comes from various unfounded legends stemming from stories of an albino caretaker who murdered people with a hatchet, to stories about a family of albinos living on the farm or being held captive there so that experiments can be conducted on them. These legends are actually more original and scarier than this film.
So how do you go wrong with mutant albinos running rampant in the woods located in a town stuffed to the gills with every hick stereotype known to film? Well, for starters you fill the film up with people who couldn’t act to save their lives. Then put those people in a story that insults your intelligence every chance it gets by filling it with every single horror cliche ever created and some of the worst hick characters you will ever witness. Some of the absurdities you will be subjected to, if you bother to watch this, are the usual scenarios that make dumb horror exactly that. Dumb.
Scenes of the wise old-timer, stumbling victims, excessive bravery, and the dreaded “Let’s investigate!” are all here, but the creators were not happy using all the cliches most horror fans would rather never see again and decided to up the dumbante. In one scene that had me turning off Albino Farm for a bit to go clean a toilet, two of the students get in a car with three menacing hicks they don’t know in a town they have never been in so that they can be driven into the middle of the woods at night to see a farm full of mutants that may or may not exist.
Speaking of hicks, horror fans have been treated to some pretty colorful rednecks over the years, some of them have eve reached classiccult status. But once again, Albino Farm stumbles and falls with their ensemble of stereotypical hicks that are so eye-rolling bad, that it is impossible to get any enjoyment out of them even if you dig that kind of stuff. I am from the South and the hick horrorhicksploitation subgenre of films are some of my all time favorites. So it isn’t with any disdain for negatively portrayed Southerners that leads me to state that the ones shown in Albino Farm are just fucking stupid, unoriginal conceptions and acted terribly by the people portraying them.
But even if the film has bad acting and a dumb story, you can always fall back on the last resort and that is excessive tits and gore. Sad to say, you wont find that here either with a body count of a whopping three people. The mutants and freaks are competent, but nothing amazing and their makeup effects remain largely obscured. So you are left with some hairlips, a redneck version of Day of the Dead‘s Dr. Tongue, a hook to the mouth using some terrible CGI and some rubber arms being broken. Nudity is regulated to a body-double tit flash, a mutant in Daisy Dukes rubbing her crotch and an elderly woman’s left nipple as she breast feeds a mutant baby.
But don’t believe me. By all means, check this turd out for yourself – even if it is for the ending that was so embarrassingly bad that I actually felt bad for everyone involved. But if you are in the mood for some good hick horror, go get 2000 Maniacs, Maximum Overdrive or even Hatchet. Hell, even 2001 Maniacs – a film I am not fond of – would be a better film to invest your time in than this one. Albino Farm is not even worth watching Chris Jericho embarrass himself playing one of Shiloh’s denizens. I give this film 1 out of 5 conveniently placed propane tanks in an underground lair of mutants.
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