ELGIN, Iowa – For whatever reason, 21-year-old Matthew Sodoma decided the 4th of July would not be complete without taking a shit on a downtown, Elgin sidewalk. Not satisfied with his handiwork, he then picked some of it up and began to smear it all over the door of the Valley Community Coalition. He left the scene before he could be apprehended. Authorities have no idea why he decided to do this, or why he targeted that particular door, but after a short investigation, Matthew Sodoma was identified as the culprit and arrested for it on Thursday.

On July 4th, police received reports that a man was observed pinching a loaf on the public sidewalk in front of the Valley Community Coalition, but by time they got to the scene, the man- like his bowels – had vacated. That is, aside from the pieces of himself he had left behind. The skidmarks that now graced the Elgin sidewalk and the stinking fingerpainting on the door of the Valley Community Coalition.

I checked out the website for the Valley Community Coalition to see what they were about and it seems as if they are an organization “formed to reduce substance abuse in the area” whose principle mission is “to reduce substance abuse and promote factors to minimize the risk of substance abuse in the Valley Community School District“.

It took officials a little over a week, but Matthew was finally arrested and has been charged with criminal mischief in the fifth degree, as well as defecating on a public sidewalk or building. Both charges are misdemeanors and Matthew is only facing a fine between $65 and $650 and up to 30 days in jail. This is just an act I could never imagine doing. Not saying I never would, I just am not sure if I ever could. The moist consistency, the possible contents, the smell…and the fact that it would be warm. I just don’t think I could handle it unless it was an act that could save my life. Like if smearing my own ass biscuits on a door would ward off a vengeful witch or something.

Smear. I have just realized how much I dislike that word. Whenever it is used, I always associate it with shit. I know that may be a personal issue, but regardless, it ruins things for me that it shouldn’t. Instead of imagining a sexy nurse using sex toys on a hot, spread-eagled woman…or a delicious bagel with smoked salmon cream cheese – the terms  “pap smear” and “bagel with a smear” induce images of shitting vaginas and turd sandwiches. Ugh. I have issues.

Source | Source

Related articles by Zemanta

• Miss Nelson, Please Pull Up Your Pants (dreamindemon.com)
• Nicole Bobek Is Doing Great! (dreamindemon.com)
• The end of Pap smears (medrants.com)

Share