Matthew Sodoma Is A Shitty Artist
July 17, 2009 by Morbid
ELGIN, Iowa – For whatever reason, 21-year-old Matthew Sodoma decided the 4th of July would not be complete without taking a shit on a downtown, Elgin sidewalk. Not satisfied with his handiwork, he then picked some of it up and began to smear it all over the door of the Valley Community Coalition. He left the scene before he could be apprehended. Authorities have no idea why he decided to do this, or why he targeted that particular door, but after a short investigation, Matthew Sodoma was identified as the culprit and arrested for it on Thursday.
On July 4th, police received reports that a man was observed pinching a loaf on the public sidewalk in front of the Valley Community Coalition, but by time they got to the scene, the man- like his bowels – had vacated. That is, aside from the pieces of himself he had left behind. The skidmarks that now graced the Elgin sidewalk and the stinking fingerpainting on the door of the Valley Community Coalition.
I checked out the website for the Valley Community Coalition to see what they were about and it seems as if they are an organization “formed to reduce substance abuse in the area” whose principle mission is “to reduce substance abuse and promote factors to minimize the risk of substance abuse in the Valley Community School District“.
It took officials a little over a week, but Matthew was finally arrested and has been charged with criminal mischief in the fifth degree, as well as defecating on a public sidewalk or building. Both charges are misdemeanors and Matthew is only facing a fine between $65 and $650 and up to 30 days in jail. This is just an act I could never imagine doing. Not saying I never would, I just am not sure if I ever could. The moist consistency, the possible contents, the smell…and the fact that it would be warm. I just don’t think I could handle it unless it was an act that could save my life. Like if smearing my own ass biscuits on a door would ward off a vengeful witch or something.
Smear. I have just realized how much I dislike that word. Whenever it is used, I always associate it with shit. I know that may be a personal issue, but regardless, it ruins things for me that it shouldn’t. Instead of imagining a sexy nurse using sex toys on a hot, spread-eagled woman…or a delicious bagel with smoked salmon cream cheese – the terms “pap smear” and “bagel with a smear” induce images of shitting vaginas and turd sandwiches. Ugh. I have issues.
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10:31 am on July 17th, 2009
Hahahahahaaaaaaaa *gags* Hahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!
10:35 am on July 17th, 2009
Funny how a simple word like “warm” can all of a sudden make the bile rise in your throat.
Morbid, your way with words is amazing. I can almost *smell* it. I don’t know who the sick fuck is here, him or you.
10:44 am on July 17th, 2009
They only thing that could have made it even worse is if the word “moist” was used. That is one word that really icks me out.
Reading things like this puts mental images in my head that I never wanted to see. Gross!
10:58 am on July 17th, 2009
His self-satisfied smirk is repulsive too. Some might even call it a “shit-eating grin”…
Barf…
11:17 am on July 17th, 2009
Thanks for the input! Story modified.
12:17 pm on July 17th, 2009
Holy crap, what’s wrong with this guy?
12:25 pm on July 17th, 2009
Looks like Belushi reincarnated doesn’t he?
Also, for the record, he used a newspaper to smear it on the door.
12:29 pm on July 17th, 2009
Matthew Sodoma just looks like a sneaky little shit, anyway! Methinks he’s been “conditioning” his hair with his “smear”, too!
12:30 pm on July 17th, 2009
HAHAAA!!! *vomit* hahahaaaaa!!!
you said warm and moist……*shivers*
12:46 pm on July 17th, 2009
How did they track him down? Do a DNA on his shit, or follow the trail of dingle berries to his door?
You know, some people get into that shit smearing; now to me that’s an issue. It’s called coprophilia if you’re interested, and that’s some nasty shit. No, I’m not into it. I just have a twisted curiosity about shit like that.
12:47 pm on July 17th, 2009
At least I didn’t end it with “Delish!”
While I do appreciate that info, I am going to continue thinking he did it with his hands. I mean, why even use the newspaper? You just took a shit on the sidewalk, is that bit of personal hygiene really gonna change things much?
If I ever got to the point to where I am shitting on a sidewalk, and then smearing it on anything, with or without newspaper, I am going to go full out crazy. I’ll be flinging that shit like a pissed of chimp in a zoo. For added effect, I wont even wait for it to hit the damn sidewalk, I’ll go for the gold and reach in there and get it my damn self!
*puke*
1:02 pm on July 17th, 2009
Some would use the word “rub”, but that is more associated with affection. This idiot ‘plastered’ the door with his feces, and then proceeded to “wipe” it all over the door in an erratic frenzy. There!
1:24 pm on July 17th, 2009
I actually cannot stand toilet humor but this write up was amazing..
From ass biscuits to shitting vaginas and shit sandwiches!
It had me gagging and laughing at the same exact time and that’s a hard thing to accomplish..
Nicely done!
1:35 pm on July 17th, 2009
I never noticed how much I disliked it either until now. Thanks, Morbid.
2:28 pm on July 17th, 2009
I feel an overwhelming urge to retch everywhere. Thanks for the glorious visuals to accompany this charming tale.
7:39 pm on July 17th, 2009
I read that last part as “erotic frenzy”
9:38 pm on July 17th, 2009
“Funny how a simple word like “warm” can all of a sudden make the bile rise in your throat.”
Hahahaha!!
4:44 pm on July 18th, 2009
Tell me his last name is not Sodoma…..
7:31 pm on July 18th, 2009
I think I shared this months ago.
I shit in my neighbor’s driveway, once, right next to the driver’s side of his car. But, only after his dog shit in my driveway, first, while my neighbor stood by and watched. I saw him watching. A little later, after being confronted, he denied it. This pissed me off.
Now, I never even considered smearing the shit. Oh, hell no! My neighbor did, though, and did it well…after he stepped in it.
My neighbor asked me if I knew anything about it. I told him, “No. Why would I know anything about that?”
He has since apologized for his dog shitting in my driveway.
And we’re still trying to figure out who shit in his. lol (Like he doesn’t know)
1:17 pm on July 20th, 2009
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