Funeral Day for Barbara Johnson’s Daddy, “It was going to be me or him…”
June 26, 2009 by thinkgoat
Carter County, MO - This here’s a story about love, betrayal, and bloodshed. The setting is Carter County, Missouri nestled in the Ozark foothills in the Southeastern part of the state. Census reports state a little over half of the residents there have at least graduated from High School. I’ve been through that area, it’s beautiful – “God’s” country. And the one thing that’s generally coupled with unspoiled land is unrefined inhabitants. By “unrefined” I mean hillbillies. The movie DeliveranceDeliverance reviews
could very well have been filmed in Carter County had Georgia been struck with some sort of plague.
Barbara Johnson
Meet Barbara Johnson (51) and her boyfriend, Harvey Edward Cookston (67) of Ellsinore, population 363. Barbara and HarveyHarvey reviews had been boyfriend/girlfriend for about 22 years. I guess that’s pretty much considered “common law” back in those parts – only if they weren’t already related. They’d been shacking up together in a cute little trailer on Carter County Road 321. And their morning, June 23rd, started out pretty damn bad.
Harvey must have been some catch. He was well known as a gunsmith and a good friend to everybody as described by his neighbors. A good friend to everybody but maybe Barbara’s daddy, who was set to be buried that morning. And Harvey didn’t like that one bit. That asshole was manipulating her time even in his death. And because of that, a fight ensued. Harvey was plain out and out telling her she couldn’t go to that funeral. There ain’t no sense in it no-how, he’s already fuckin’ dead. Know what I mean?
Pissed off as an old wet hen, she stomped herself down that hallway and into the bathroom to fetch her gun. (Um, one that he gave her and more than likely made) Maybe she just looked at the purty thing cause she stomped back into the living room without it. She must have thought those few seconds were gonna be enough to make him change his mind. Nope. He didn’t. So she stomped back into the bathroom and, as she told the cops, “It was going to be me or him and I decided it was going to be him.” Fuckin’-A girl, way to make a decision!
Barbara ran barefoot to a neighbor’s house to tell them what she had done. She done shot him! And hell, that neighbor went back with her! I can only imagine that conversation. (”Fuck I ain’t kidding, see? Poke ‘im a bit, he ain’t gonna move, he’s deader than owl shit”) Guessing they were smart enough to surmise Harvey was dead, they decided to call upon the deputies just to make sure.
It’s heartwarming to know someone in that area fell into the “educated with a high school or higher” criteria, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Trooper A.D. Ladd. (OMG, this is a must read: probable cause statement) Barbara told Trooper Ladd “I think I shot him twice”. Not wasting anytime, Ladd placed Barbara into the front seat of his squad car and transported her ass to the Carter County’s Sheriff’s Department to await warrants from the Carter County Prosecutor.
AutopsyAutopsy reviews reports state Harvey Cookston was shot three time with the same .22 caliber revolver he gave Barbara “a while back”. Prosecutor Ernie Richardson (check out the big brain on him!) states, “I have seen enough evidence that has been gleaned in this case to know that I am filing first-degree murder. There was apparently premeditation and deliberation in it when this occurred.” WowWow reviews
, “gleaned”. I know people with dictionaries were busy ’splainin what that word meant.
Barbara, I’m sorry you had a bad mornin’ darlin’. You should have just walked the fuck out…or pointed your gun in the fucker’s face if he tried to stop you. Now poor Harvey’s dead and you’re fucked.
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5:24 am on June 26th, 2009
Hahahaaaaaaaa!!!
7:19 am on June 26th, 2009
GREAT write up…I haven’t laughed this hard in awhile…hee hee!!
7:20 am on June 26th, 2009
OMFG! I cannot stop laughing! I love your write-ups! You are fucking hilarious!
7:57 am on June 26th, 2009
LMFAO!! It wasn’t the old man he didn’t want her to see – it was her Ma!~ “When are you gonna up an’ leave that no good piece of shit?!” It caused a fight every time she came home from there – “So just when ARE you gonna marry me?”
Fun times!
9:55 am on June 26th, 2009
Your write ups are hilarious!
“cocked the pistol and pointed or pointed and cocked the pistol”
*scratches her head”
11:40 am on June 26th, 2009
LOL, great write-up!
12:26 pm on June 26th, 2009
Wait–so she didn’t get to go to her Daddy’s funeral after all, because she was arrested? Now, that is poor planning. They should have gotten the deputy after Daddy’s funeral. If she’d gone to high school, she would have known that.
Now the only real question is: Will she be allowed to attend Harvey’s funeral? Because I think he would have wanted her there, being that he’d finally have her undivided attention and all.
3:06 pm on June 26th, 2009
Ok even if he hated why would he tell her not to go….one last way to disrespect him I guess. What a fucked up bunch! And yes I agree great and hilarious write up
3:49 pm on June 26th, 2009
I’m so glad you read that “probable cause statement”! I was rolling! There was just too much that struck my funny bone when I found this gem.
3:58 pm on June 26th, 2009
that is funnnnnnnnny
Thinkgoat,
You are just like So Jaded and Flaming Fox with your wit.. I love reading what you post.
4:21 pm on June 26th, 2009
OMG!!! That probable cause statment makes Barney Fife look loke friggin Perry Mason! True rednecks! Just shows what inbreeding will do for ya!
5:05 pm on June 26th, 2009
Funniest write-up EVER !!!
7:42 pm on June 26th, 2009
The probable cause statement? I honestly don’t get why we’re ridiculing the officer. Someone will have to school me. There’s nothing there that makes him appear to be anyone’s fool. It’s concisely and clearly written, with no grammar or spelling mess that’s jumping off the page at me. Because he put her in the front seat? At that point in time she was apparently calm, rational, and with that ‘him or me’ bit implied it was a case of self defense. She’s no longer armed, and perhaps he even knows her if it’s a small community. We’re upset he wasn’t a bigger asshole under the circumstances? Jeez, offered the relative anonymity of the internets, I’m down for ridiculing just about anything or anyone. But you’ll have to help me out here.
Also, my experience with rural Missouri had more to do with being horrified that everyone waved at everyone else, even as they passed in their cars on rural roads, than any sort of Deliverance vibe. It unpleasantly shocked my northeastern standoffish sensibilites. However, there did seem to be ample home based business opportunities in meth amphetemine production. Pretty sure I read a great state produced brochure on it while there
I guess I’m just a tough crowd tonight. I enjoyed the write-up, nonetheless. Thanks )
9:12 pm on June 26th, 2009
I know that there is nothin’ funny ’bout dead rednecks – but this write up is fucking funny as Hell. Thanks!
7:20 am on June 27th, 2009
One more prop to Thinkgoat because “he” is the awesomeness: I fuggin’ lol’d that you linked the word “fuck” to Wikipedia.
1:18 am on June 29th, 2009
i agree lmaoooo owl shit!
8:53 pm on July 1st, 2009
Hey you, yeah you Goat person. Nice write up. You funny.
R
9:00 am on July 9th, 2009
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