Federal Way, Washington–I must admit, I have a very vivid imagination. Too vivid. When I come across stories like this, they play out in my head, over and over, in high def…whether I want them to or not. It’s a curse. Shit like this keeps me up at night, my brain buzzing with questions. My biggest question, in this case, is…Timothy, do you take your little show on the road? I’d pay handsomely if you would show up at my upcoming family reunion.

Erm...self-explanatory. Kinda.

Residents of the Arcadia Apartment complex in Federal Way called police on May 13 with complaints of a nearly nekkid dude standing outside over an air-conditioning intake. Here’s where the imagery comes in…ready? Dude was standing there, clad in nothing but an unbuttoned flannel shirt, ‘manipulating his penis with a string.’ Manipulation as in, he was a one-man penis puppet show. Was he making it sing? Dance? Recite ShakespeareShakespeare in Love reviews? I have no idea…authorities remain tight lipped on the dirty details. When police arrived to arrest the member manipulator, he still had the string attached to his schlong. Another story that proves I’d never make it as a cop…my suspect would have bolted while I was rolling around on the ground pointing and laughing.

Timothy Wayne Martin, 44, and his puppet pal were hauled off to the slammer. He was charged under the state’s felony indecent exposure statute due to having two prior convictions for similar crimes. He was also found to be in possession of methamphetamine and a pornographic magazine. Bail was set at $25,000. Timothy, really, take my advice…make up some flyers, find a small venue that will host you, and call it ‘Theater Night’. You’ll make thousands hundreds a few bucks. (While researching this story, I learned something new–never, ever do a GoogleGoogle image search with the following words–string dick, penis puppet, or man meat manipulator. Some things just can’t be un-seen).

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