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UPDATE 2/10/09 - Jaime Leigh Erickson, 23, has been charged with neglect in the death of her 17-month-old daughter.

Jose Antonio Mendoza on dreamindemon.com

Jose Antonio Mendoza does the perp walk.  

Hammond, IN – Jose Mendoza, 28, didn’t have a job.  But he did have a girlfriend who had a 17-month-old daughter named Savannah Fullgraf.  ”Had” being the operative word. Savannah’s mom Jaime was gainfully employed, so it seemed to make sense that Jose would stay home and mind the baby. Right?  Right?  WRONG!

Savannah’s 22-year-old mother called emergency responders to her apartment near George Lake shortly after 9 p.m. SaturdaySaturday reviewsSaturday reviews and told the dispatcher her child wasn’t breathing.  An ambulance rushed her to St. Margaret Mercy Healthcare Center, but after an initial examination she was airlifted to the University of ChicagoChicago reviewsChicago reviews hospital, where she was pronounced dead.

The doctors in Hammond observed severe bruising to little Savannah’s back, neck, face, and legs.  X-rays and further examination in Chicago revealed the full truth:  severe burns on the palm and several fingers of her right hand, a broken nose, broken bones in both eye sockets, tearing to her anus, and evidence of other serious abuse.

Mendoza’s story? Savannah may have suffered some bruising when they were “roughhousing,” and she might have gotten hurt during an accidental fall in….wait for it….the bathtub.  Yep, we have another man jumping on the “BlameBlame reviewsBlame reviews the Bathtub” bandwagon. Now, I understand that bathtubs are cold and hard, but I’ve yet to see one that can burn fingers or tear an anus, have you?

To his credit, Mendoza waived his right to remain silent and admitted he was the sole baby sitter.  However, he also told detectives he had been raped by a baby sitter when he was 6 years old, was beaten as a child by his own father and sometimes “hears voices.”  Great.  I wonder if he told any of this to Savannah’s mother before she left her daughter in his care.

I haven’t found much about Savannah’s mother, but I have not yet heard of any charges being brought against her.  It seems difficult for me to believe that this level of abuse occurred without her noticing anything amiss, but I am willing to wait to hear more from that side before coming to any conclusions.

In any event, I’m sure she’s heartbroken over the loss, and if that night wasn’t already the worst of her life, she came home from the hospital to find someone had broken into her apartment.  They stole a flat-screen television, DVD player, X-Box game system and cash, according to a police report.  Annoying, I’ll grant you, but it’s just “stuff.”  You can always buy more.  Where you gonna get another Savannah?

Jose Antonio Mendoza is charged with murder and neglect of a dependent, a Class A felony, and would face up to 65 years in prison if convicted. He is being held without bond at the Lake County Jail.

Comments

56 Comments on "Jose Antonio Mendoza is a Bad Babysitter" make up the 115,829 total comments on Dreamin' Demon.

  1. Morbid
    12:42 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I’ve yet to see one that can burn fingers or tear an anus, have you?

    Well, just to be fair…I had my bathtub specially made.

  2. jenjen0135
    12:47 pm on October 15th, 2008

    The poor, misunderstood tub.

    That nasty fucker is coming up with all kinds of excuses for doing this horrible thing and now blaming it on the “voices”? Where the hell was the voice telling him that he is a sick motherfucker and he should have the same thing done to him in prison?
    Hopefully he will be hearing “THOSE” voices soon.

    It seems strange at the amount of stuff they found on this child. This had to have been going on for quite some time- This time, it just went too far to cover up.

    I think mom may be charged at some point with some kind of contributory charge.

  3. DeziDoo
    1:22 pm on October 15th, 2008

    The doctors in Hammond observed severe bruising to little Savannah’s back, neck, face, and legs.   X-rays and further examination in Chicago revealed the full truth:  severe burns on the palm and several fingers of her right hand, a broken nose, broken bones in both eye sockets, tearing to her anus, and evidence of other serious abuse.

    I can’t wait for some big jailhouse dude to tear into HIS anus!

  4. gm OF 10
    1:22 pm on October 15th, 2008

    Well, just to be fair…I had my bathtub specially made.

    I’ve seen those specially made bathtubs, with the built in dildo’s on them.

  5. CassieMomma
    1:29 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I’ve seen those specially made bathtubs, with the built in dildo’s on them.

    What!!!???!!!?? :)

    Sad, sad, sad. How that little girl must of suffered, sick bastard!

  6. CheekySweetie
    1:34 pm on October 15th, 2008

    Don’t they usually say “in different stages of healing” to indicate the abuse was ongoing? If they failed to report that, perhaps the abuse was not ongoing. I bet it was someone who knows Jose who took that shit while mom was at the hospital. Maybe trying to drum up stuff to pawn for bail or something, not knowing there is usually no bail for baby killers.

    Poor baby girl!

  7. Bobbi von HamHam
    1:40 pm on October 15th, 2008

    How awful. I’ve read (probably on this website) that these young girls should not leave their children with nonbiological fathers, or guys who are “jsut passing through.” When will they learn that these dicks have no love or paternal feelings for these children? How many of the women will find out the hard way?

  8. KANE
    2:08 pm on October 15th, 2008

    It seems difficult for me to believe that this level of abuse occurred without her noticing anything amiss, but I am willing to wait to hear more from that side before coming to any conclusions.

    Right now, I want to give her the benefit of doubt, because I want to believe she didn’t know. Its very possible that this stuff happened all in one night or if she worked long hours that the child may have been in bed or something when she came home and didn’t see the abuse. We do know that she took her baby to the hospital and I can only imagine what it would feel like to expect to come home to a happy smile and tiny hug only to find a lifeless body. There is nothing we can say about her “not seeing the signs” that she isn’t probably beating herself up for aleady

    I have three young children, two of them boys. They get all sorts of unexplained bruises and cuts that they can’t explain or explain correctly (my son still claims a bird scratched his nose while playing outside, I didn’t see what he did to hurt himself but I’d like to think if a bird landed on him, I would notice.) There are times, I’m apprehensive about taking them in for checkups because they look like someone is beating them. However, I know that I’m not abusing them and my girlfriend rarely raises her hand to them.

  9. KANE
    2:22 pm on October 15th, 2008

    How awful. I’ve read (probably on this website) that these young girls should not leave their children with nonbiological fathers, or guys who are “jsut passing through.” When will they learn that these dicks have no love or paternal feelings for these children? How many of the women will find out the hard way?

    It’s not about “young” girls or “biological” fathers. This happens to older mothers and biological fathers can be pathetic perverts as well. Actually, the majority of the cases I read about, especially those involving long term pedophilia, the offender is the biological father.
    Don’t be naive and think that a guy won’t stick his penis into a vagina he created, even if it is only a few days old. Some guys are demented enough to think this gives them the right.

    The reason your statement bothers me is because I am raising 3 young children who are not mine biologically and have been doing so for the past two years. My daughter is mine legally, if not biologically, the boys I would like to adopt when I marry their mother. I raise all three children as if they are mine. I admit I feel more of a bond with my daughter, but only because I’ve been there since she was a month old fetus and she shares the bond. The bond between me and my sons gets stronger as time passes.

    I physically discipline the boys, but rarely. I try to talk with them and use other methods of guidance and discipline. However, I would never BEAT them, I hate tapping their bottoms because that’s not how I want to parent, but sometimes all a young child understands.

    As far as sexually, that is disgusting to me. Whether they are my my nieces, nephews, stepchildren, neighbors, etc. I do not find children sexually attractive under any circumstances. I have the children with me alone sometimes days at a time, because even though we are together, my girlfriend and I live in separate homes. Still, I co-parent with her which means there are times she gets a day or two off. I don’t have the patience to care for the baby long term alone, so I rarely keep her more than a day by myself, my sons I have kept up to a week.

    It bothers me when people try to say “she shouldn’t have left him with the boyfriend anyway”. That’s bullshit. I’m sorry. A pervert boyfriend is not less trustworthy than the following categories of known child predators: biological fathers, step fathers, grandfathers, uncles, friends, brothers, cousin, teacher, preacher, etc.

    The question should definitely be “do I trust this man enough to leave my kids with him, do I know him, know his past?” BUT it should not simply be, he’s the biological father, its okay to leave my child. NO, make sure he’s not insane and knows how to care for a small child, first. Being able to shoot sperm doesn’t not make you less of a pervert.

  10. biteme
    2:51 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I can’t wait for some big jailhouse dude to tear into HIS anus!

    over & over & over & over, hope he stomps on him real good first

  11. Peeperann
    2:52 pm on October 15th, 2008

    Jose Antonio Mendoza is charged with murder and neglect of a dependent, a Class A felony, and would face up to 65 years in prison if convicted.   He is being held without bond at the Lake County Jail.

    And Rape?? Where’s the rape charge?? No little girl tears her own anus.

    Just kill him and get it over with. I don’t care how abused he was as a child. I was too but never raised a hand to my children. That is just not an excuse to me! Not ever, everyone makes their choices and he chose to rape and kill this little girl.

    Sick Fuckwad, seriously, just kill him……

  12. Athena
    2:55 pm on October 15th, 2008

    It’s not about “young” girls or “biological” fathers. This happens to older mothers and biological fathers can be pathetic perverts as well. Actually, the majority of the cases I read about, especially those involving long term pedophilia, the offender is the biological father.

    After mothers and fathers, “male acquaintences” (which includes boyfriends) are responsible for 23% of infanticide (death of children under age 5). It’s such a significant chunk, that the bureau of justice statistics felt it necessary to list it seperately. Here’s the source.

    Of children not killed by mothers and fathers, 81% are killed by males. While you are correct that *most* abuse is at the hands of parents, enough is at the hands of male acquaintences and strangers that mothers should exercise more caution than usual.

  13. buggysmommy
    2:57 pm on October 15th, 2008

    Honestly-I read these things and I just want to cry inside. I have a 10 month old daughter-and god help anyone who might even consider bringing any undue harm on to her. With my bare hands-I will cause significant pain and damage. That being said-I ask you, all of you – WTF kind of a mother leaves her child with a sorry ass, jobless piece of shit-especially a BF? What dumb bitch even introduces men to their children without really knowing who they are first?

    Oh no honey-if you can’t buy me a big mac or chip in some gas money-WTF are you gonna do for my kid. As Granny says-”If you find em on their ass, leave em on their ass!”

    Fucking Asshole-I hope every open orifice on your being get shredded to bits in the pokie!

  14. KANE
    3:04 pm on October 15th, 2008

    Of children not killed by mothers and fathers, 81% are killed by males. While you are correct that *most* abuse is at the hands of parents, enough is at the hands of male acquaintences and strangers that mothers should exercise more caution than usual.

    I agree with you and the statistics, it just bothers me when people act like biological parents never hurt their children.

    I have to search for the name, but I read in a book written by an FBI agent who has been instrumental in the fight against internet porn, that the majority of sexual and physical abuse done by biological parents go unreported. It is the murders that can’t be covered up that are reported.

    It’s for that reason that even those statistics that I agree with are skewed. the B.O.J. can only provided statistics based off of reported incidents.

  15. KANE
    3:11 pm on October 15th, 2008

    While you are correct that *most* abuse is at the hands of parents, enough is at the hands of male acquaintences and strangers that mothers should exercise more caution than usual.

    I personally exercise extreme caution with leaving my children with anyone, male or female.

    After mothers and fathers, “male acquaintences” (which includes boyfriends) are responsible for 23% of infanticide (death of children under age 5). It’s such a significant chunk, that the bureau of justice statistics felt it necessary to list it seperately. Here’s the source.

    If you are going to quote stats: please wuote them all. this is the rest of the stats from the site:

    * 31% were killed by fathers
    * 29% were killed by mothers
    * 23% were killed by male acquaintances
    * 7% were killed by other relatives
    * 3% were killed by strangers

    The site does say that 81% of children not killed by their parents are male, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it also says “A parent is the perpetrator in most homicides of children under age 5″.

    Which is the only point I was making, that the issue is not biological or non biological, the issue is not leaving your kids with homicidal maniacs.

  16. Trish
    3:14 pm on October 15th, 2008

    When are women gonna get it in thier heads…just cuz your screwing some guy IT DOES NOT make him your babysitter choice. We read these stories over and over. I just don’t get it.
    My prayers are with you Savannah poor baby girl.
    I will hold my opinion on Mom till I hear a bit more about her.
    The boyfriend…….your one sick bastard, I hope you pay daily for what you did to Savannah.

  17. KANE
    3:19 pm on October 15th, 2008

    It’s such a significant chunk, that the bureau of justice statistics felt it necessary to list it seperately. Here’s the source.

    Sorry for the second post, I could edit it in time after continued viewing of the site. I just want to say that the B.O.J. did not feel the need to list it separately. YOU felt the need to list is separately to support your opinion. However, because of the nature of my job, I know how to read a report and to how to evaluate statistics. Thank you for the link, I found it very informative.

  18. KANE
    3:28 pm on October 15th, 2008

    And Rape?? Where’s the rape charge?? No little girl tears her own anus.

    WTF kind of a mother leaves her child with a sorry ass, jobless piece of shit-especially a BF? What dumb bitch even introduces men to their children without really knowing who they are first?

    you said it. I mentioned already about my kids, but I didn’t say that I was dating their mother for months before I even met them, and it was months after meeting them, before I kept them by myself.

  19. dr.awkward
    3:58 pm on October 15th, 2008

    And Rape?? Where’s the rape charge?? No little girl tears her own anus.

    Having no actual medical experience beyond the self-inflated sense of knowledge that comes from spending far too much time on the internet… won’t severe stomach beatings cause injuries to the colon? At least, that’s the only possible reason I can see that he’s not being charged with rape/molestation. Could have been a side effect of the beat down this big man laid on this tiny child. Although you’d think they’d mention serious bruising to the midsection were that the case. Fuck, I dunno.
    Vomit stained shit smear.

  20. Ruby
    4:11 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I’d love it if one of our resident nurses would weigh in on this….

  21. BluExtacy
    4:15 pm on October 15th, 2008

    And Rape?? Where’s the rape charge?? No little girl tears her own anus.

    i was wondering the same thing!

  22. Athena
    4:44 pm on October 15th, 2008

    If you are going to quote stats: please wuote them all.

    I’ll quote the ones that are relevant to my point. That’s why I link the rest, so you can investigate further should you care to. My point was accurate – I specifically stated “After mothers and fathers…” I’m sorry if that wasn’t good enough for you.

    No one here was acting as though biological parents don’t hurt their children. However, there is a large enough number of these cases involving young couples and non-biological males that it’s fair to bring it up specifically, especially in regard to a case that involves a young mother and boyfriend. You just took it a little personally, is all.

  23. silvahalo
    5:24 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I read this one in the forums…It makes me so angry!! He is so disgusting what a perfect, useless pile of flesh this bastard is. I *F* hate baby killers….no rhyme no reason just a waste of space, all should be hung.

    Little Savannah was beat and raped in a manner most vile…I say beat, castrate and mutilate his *F* face then throw him in a dark hole to rot and don’t forget the ten foot pole up his ass….useless, piece of shit…

  24. savannahsmom
    11:22 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I am Savannah’s Adopted mother, as you can see she had my last name. I knew nothing about this man and I was not aloud to see my child after her biological mother found out that I didn’t want her anymore. I miss my child more than anyone could ever imagine. Unfortunately I did not have her at this time her biological mother, Jaime did. I assure everyone of you if Savannah was with me this would have never happened, she was MY WORLD!!!!!! May she restin peace and never have to hurt again, as for him and her well that’s a DIFFERENT story.

  25. Ruby
    11:32 pm on October 15th, 2008

    Welcome Savannahsmom, and thanks for posting. I’m sure everyone here joins me in offering our deepest condolences on your loss.

    Could you answer a couple of questions?

    You said you adopted her but then you didn’t want her any more? Is that what you said, or did I misunderstand? How long was she with you? When did she go back to her bio mom?

    Also, the articles I’ve found all refer to Savannah’s mom as Shannon, yet you use the name Jaime. Can you explain?

    I’m a bit confused by what you’ve written, and would really appreciate any clarification you can offer.

  26. Nurse Ronda
    11:44 pm on October 15th, 2008

    I’d love it if one of our resident nurses would weigh in on this….

    A tear in an anus can be caused by kicking a child in the area of the anus, but most tears to the anus are because of sexual abuse. Usually when punched in the abdomen, most of the organs can be torn or riped. I don’t know of any child that had their anus torn resulting from a punch to the abdomen.

  27. dr.awkward
    12:37 am on October 16th, 2008

    I don’t know of any child that had their anus torn resulting from a punch to the abdomen.

    Yeah I had a feeling I was just full of shit on that aspect, not sure what I read or where but it obviously sunk in wrong. Thanks for clearing that up though, it’s awesomely handy when you’ve got someone to give technical views right on the site.
    So I wonder if they saw signs he kicked her really hard in the butt, otherwise it seems pretty strange not to charge him with something on that end. That’s so fucked up though, who kicks a baby in the ass? Sigh, I should stop being surprised anymore.

  28. Nurse Ronda
    12:59 am on October 16th, 2008

    So I wonder if they saw signs he kicked her really hard in the butt, otherwise it seems pretty strange not to charge him with something on that end. That’s so fucked up though, who kicks a baby in the ass?

    If they didn’t charge him with sodomy, chances are that the child had bruises that pointed to him kicking her really hard, like a boot or shoe imprint shaped bruise. A person who is extremely mad at a child would do such a thing.

  29. nadine
    5:04 am on October 16th, 2008

    So sorry for the loss of baby Savannah, another tragedy… how sad she must have suffered and NOW she can be with the angels to watch over her and she is free from her pain, NOW as for this dick head, he can and will rot in HELL FOREVER , we can only pray he gets horribly tortured in prison to the point of not breathing and he suffers a horrible painful slow death and for the mom, I am sorry so sorry for your loss, please seek the help you will need and hopefully she has a loving mom and dad to help her get through this. Again, so sorry for your loss, how very sad….

  30. philly_phan
    11:42 am on October 16th, 2008

    Biological parents are fucks ups just as strangers, boyfriends, in-house dick…HOWEVER you want to call it! The fact is that women do NOT investigate a man enough before moving him in, having kids with him, leaving kids alone w/ people they don’t know that well, etc. A chick who doesn’t want to be alone will work to make a paycheck, and be content w/ a man who stays at home all day or night that doesn’t work…his only job is to make her feel good or wanted, and he’s free to abuse her kid(s). These women lack respect and sense! Then when something horrible happens, they’re all like “I didn’t know he was a registered sex offender!” or “He never raped me in the bathtub!” While the criminals are wrong and horrendous, I blame the parents b/c it’s their job to protect their kids! People need to be careful who they trust around their most precious assets…and your mom precious asset is NOT your pussy if you are a mother – it should be your kid(s)!!!

  31. IrishSparkle
    3:11 pm on October 16th, 2008

    Kane, I just have a question for you…..you said

    my girlfriend rarely raises her hand to them.

    WHY would your girlfriend even have the “right” to raise her hand to YOUR children? I am a step parent and I would NEVER think of EVER raising my hand to another child…..my son has a step mom and trust me, if she ever tried to hit him or spank him, she would have to deal with me. The only job that a step parent or in your case the girlfriend ever has to do is love your children….why do you feel it is ok for your GIRLFRIEND, not even WIFE to raise a hand to your children? I just don’t understand that at all!

  32. Athena
    3:26 pm on October 16th, 2008

    WHY would your girlfriend even have the “right” to raise her hand to YOUR children? I am a step parent and I would NEVER think of EVER raising my hand to another child…..my son has a step mom and trust me, if she ever tried to hit him or spank him, she would have to deal with me. The only job that a step parent or in your case the girlfriend ever has to do is love your children….why do you feel it is ok for your GIRLFRIEND, not even WIFE to raise a hand to your children? I just don’t understand that at all!

    With all due respect, understand that your values are your own and not everyone else’s. You may feel that a step parent or significant other’s only responsibility is to love the children, but in many (I’d even say most) households, both adults are authoritarian figures, which means both discipline. Frankly, in my opinion, if you can’t trust your spouse or significant other to reasonably discipline your children, you really shouldn’t be with them in the first place.

    That said, if I’m not mistaken, the kids are his girlfriend’s, not his. I got that from this:

    The reason your statement bothers me is because I am raising 3 young children who are not mine biologically and have been doing so for the past two years. My daughter is mine legally, if not biologically, the boys I would like to adopt when I marry their mother. I raise all three children as if they are mine.

    Come to think of it, I wouldn’t be in a serious relationship with anyone who didn’t allow me to discipline their kids. I mean, if I have children living under my roof and I have to deal with them, I should absolutely have disciplinary rights.

  33. IrishSparkle
    3:34 pm on October 16th, 2008

    Sorry for the misunderstanding as to who’s children Kane has. I am sorry but as much as I trust my spouse, I would apprecite a loving relationship between my son and his step dad as well as his son and myself and his son and my son. I am not one that believes in spanking there fore, I am not up for anyone raising a hand to my children.

    I do understand that everyone has their own beliefs but look at some of the stories that have been written on this site, how often is the abuse coming for a b/f, a g/f or the like?

    I do understand your point Athena I just don’t feel that it is right for people to raise a hand to a child.

  34. CheekySweetie
    8:23 pm on October 16th, 2008

    Spanking is legal, and therefore a personal choice. Beating is not. I do get where you are coming from though, Irish.

    Most people do not abuse the right to physically discipline their children. Most parents do not do it while angry or to excess. Most parents reserve it for a swat on the tush during a tantrum when words don’t seem to cut through the vocal rebellion, or even an over the knee spanking for serious, repeated mistakes. Those parents are not abusing their children. They may not be making a choice you would personally make, but it is a far cry from the enraged caregiver who hits to appease their own anger, and doesn’t even consider for one second teaching that child anything other than to fear their wrath. I know it’s hard for parents who choose not to spank at all to imagine hitting even under the worst of circumstances. I really commend that, though we have personally chosen to use physical discipline in our household, extremely sparingly. Actually, I am a recovering yeller and my kids have told me that the yelling hurt them a lot more than the spankings, spankings just got their attention better because it’s easy to tune us out. Of course our spankings consisted of a single swat or two, with less force that a slap to kill a mosquito, lol.

    I asked my huz to leave my son’s discipline to me, and he mostly did-only stepping in if I wasn’t available or I asked for help and he never hit my son. Now that my son is a teenager, I know that for us, it was the wrong choice-not that he should have hit him or anything, but I should have involved Bri in disciplining my son and he would probably have some more respect for him. Not immediately. Not until I watched the interaction and felt comfortable that he would not step out of his boundaries as step parent. Of course, I have known my huz since I was 14 so I knew him pretty well by the time we started dating, and I saw him with his own kids for five years, too.

  35. sugarglider
    10:45 pm on October 16th, 2008

    To his credit, Mendoza waived his right to remain silent and admitted he was the sole baby sitter.   However, he also told detectives he had been raped by a baby sitter when he was 6 years old, was beaten as a child by his own father and sometimes “hears voices.”   .

    Good write-up Ruby.

    Yeah, I don’t even necessarily believe the “voices” part (too much a set-up for “but I was craaaaazy”). Sounds contrived. The rest of it, sure, I can believe. But even if true (and not just part of the “craaaazy” defense), no EXCUSE.

    As for spanking, well, since we seem to be debating it, I personally think all parents should endeavor as hard as possible to discipline their children w/out physical violence. Reasons: (a) those are little tiny people. Very easy to hurt them “worse” than you meant to. Best not to go down that road if you can help it, whenever possible, just as with your spouse or the ass who cut you off in the line at the grocery store or whatever (b) I never really understand why striking a defenseless child is cool but you’d be charged with battery if ya did it to an adult (c) it just makes your kid scared of you, increases their behavior problems, and gives them terrrible skills for dealing with conflict & stress in their own lives (now and later).

    That said, I was smacked across the face upon occasion. Relevant parties have apologized profusely since then ;) But I know that if my boo and I have any kids we will try like hell not to ever spank or smack or do anything even remotely like it. We’ve succeeded with our 4 cats and our doggie, and I think we’ll be okay :)

    But enoug about me. I’m just avoiding this story because it’s so bad. Savannah….I’m sorry this happened to you.

  36. CheekySweetie
    11:51 pm on October 16th, 2008

    As for spanking, well, since we seem to be debating it, I personally think all parents should endeavor as hard as possible to discipline their children w/out physical violence. Reasons: (a) those are little tiny people. Very easy to hurt them “worse” than you meant to. Best not to go down that road if you can help it, whenever possible, just as with your spouse or the ass who cut you off in the line at the grocery store or whatever (b) I never really understand why striking a defenseless child is cool but you’d be charged with battery if ya did it to an adult (c) it just makes your kid scared of you, increases their behavior problems, and gives them terrrible skills for dealing with conflict & stress in their own lives (now and later).

    I agree with you. And yet there have been times when I resorted to it. And I dig how when I quoted your list, the C came up as a copyright symbol-at least in the comment text box anyway.

    I also wanted to note that I didn’t mean that most parents spank-I’m not sure of those statistics. I just meant of those that do, most do not spank to the excess that crosses into legal abuse.

  37. Castille
    1:34 pm on October 17th, 2008

    The site does say that 81% of children not killed by their parents are male, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it also says “A parent is the perpetrator in most homicides of children under age 5″.

    Those statistics have bundled step-parents and parents together. Seperated out in some studies, step or subsitute parents have been 40 to 60 times more likely to abuse. It should be considered that a blended family may be more likely to other child abuse risk factors though, like poverty or substance abuse that contribute to that discrepency. As a rule, I’d never allow a step parent to lay hands on a child though (I’m a step parent myself.) There are approaches to discipline that are less likely to damage relationships or escalate to unacceptable degrees.

    That said, most children are injured by their biological parents (because most children are in the care of their biological parents.) And the vast majority of step parents never harm a child, just like the vast majority of most people. I’ve known marvelous step-parents that made up for some bio parent chort-comings. Being a step parent doesn’t remotely make you an abuser. Only, if your kid *is* abused, there are a few categories of people more likely to have done it than others.

    Oh, and stop hitting your kids. They’re people. It’s not going to work when they’re 14 anyway, so now is the time to be learning and practicing some other approaches. Take a parenting class. Hmph.

  38. CassieMomma
    1:58 pm on October 17th, 2008

    I know that if my boo and I have any kids we will try like hell not to ever spank or smack or do anything even remotely like it. We’ve succeeded with our 4 cats and our doggie, and I think we’ll be okay

    Sugar please don’t think I’m picking on you, I love your posts :)

    Oh, and stop hitting your kids. They’re people. It’s not going to work when they’re 14 anyway, so now is the time to be learning and practicing some other approaches. Take a parenting class. Hmph.

    I think it’s funny when people who aren’t parents say that they’ve done ok with their animals so they should be good. I was the same way until I had my little girl. Not the same at all. I am really not being mean so please don’t take it that way (it’s hard to hear the way I am talking) and actually makes me laugh a little ;) But hey at least we know your responsible and your not abusing your animals because that’s right up there on my list as well. Also I wanted to mention a great book that I’ve read, re-read and re-read; it’s called Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years and it’s by Jim Faye and Charles Faye. As a parent occasionally I do spank (or should I say did) and I found that by doing that she would just think it’s ok to hit and hit me back. (Although I still would give her a spank if she ran out in the road or something so she knows that it’s bad what she just did and it stays in her mind) In the book they have all these real life scenarios and solutions. For example having them pay you for a sitter with their toys because you can’t take them somewhere because of their attitude and when they throw a fit saying to them “Is that the best you can do? I’ve seen better”. I have to say I tested them many times and it’s really working great and to see the look on their face when you tell them to throw a fit better, priceless! Anyway just thought I would throw that out there to anyone that might be interested in a good read. Sorry for the long post, Hope you all have a great weekend!!!!

  39. Athena
    3:01 pm on October 17th, 2008

    Every parent disciplines differently and children receive discipline differently. I was spanked as a child; it was left as an absolute last resort for when my behavior risked my safety or the safety of those around me, and I wasn’t spanked after the age of 5 (roughly when children are better able to reason). In my case, it didn’t cause me to think hitting was okay, nor did I develop behavioral or relationship issues as a result. I think every parent should endeavor to avoid spanking and that it should definitely not be used as a form of standard discipline. I also think, when parents discredits physical discipline completely, that probably speaks to a larger issue, perhaps a “I refuse to be like MY parents” issue that may very well impact their general ability to discipline appropriately.

    I treat my dog the same way. She’s a 120lb Rott/German Shepherd mix and a very food-centric animal. She is generally a very sweet and obedient dog and I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had to smack her. However, when she was younger, she displayed a dangerous trait in being prone to try to snatch food out of peoples’ hands. This required immediate correction, which was gained though a combination of physical discipline and other means of training. When you’ve got a dog that big, she needs to understand who’s boss, and a “time out” doesn’t always cut the mustard.

    All that said – When I said I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a man who refused me the ability to discipline his kids, I wasn’t talking spanking, necessarily. However, I strongly believe that both parents need to be respected as authority and, if they have no recourse other than appealing to you when your child misbehaves, the child will never develop that respect. Your spouse will be viewed as a sibling more than anything. All the love in the world won’t address that situation. You are the equivalent of a single parent, and heaven help you when they become teenagers.

  40. angelinfl
    3:20 pm on October 17th, 2008

    wished they had checked Drew’s bathtub on wifey #3 more

  41. mishdabrat
    4:57 pm on October 17th, 2008

    As for spanking, well, since we seem to be debating it, I personally think all parents should endeavor as hard as possible to discipline their children w/out physical violence.

    I am a parent of two and whole-heartedly agree with Sugarglider. Patience, consistency and attentiveness are much more effective in child-rearing than physical violence.

  42. sugarglider
    5:09 pm on October 17th, 2008

    I agree with you. And yet there have been times when I resorted to it. And I dig how when I quoted your list, the C came up as a copyright symbol-at least in the comment text box anyway.

    Hey, like I said, I just think it’s

    Best not to go down that road if you can help it, whenever possible

    …. no one’s perfect!

    Sugar please don’t think I’m picking on you, I love your posts

    I didn’t, we are fine, I like yours too, no problems!

    I think it’s funny when people who aren’t parents say that they’ve done ok with their animals so they should be good. I was the same way until I had my little girl. Not the same at all.

    Well…I was being a little flippant. Of course, I also babysat through all of middle school, just like most girls do and never did any spankola smackdown on the chirrens…this is also not a foolproof indicator of future behavior, of course.

    I knew nothing about this man and I was not aloud to see my child after her biological mother found out that I didn’t want her anymore.

    Hi….I’m sorry about your pain, but what do you mean you didn’t want her anymore?

    You said you adopted her but then you didn’t want her any more? Is that what you said, or did I misunderstand?

    Apparently I echoed Ruby’s question.

    I treat my dog the same way. She’s a 120lb Rott/German Shepherd mix and a very food-centric animal. She is generally a very sweet and obedient dog and I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve had to smack her. However, when she was younger, she displayed a dangerous trait in being prone to try to snatch food out of peoples’ hands. This required immediate correction.

    Sure, you gotta do what you gotta do. That said, it’s always good to keep in mind that “punishment” (of any kind) is the least effective way to teach something. “Reward” (specifically, intermittent reward) is the most effective way to teach something. That’s one of the few things I got from my psych minor…

    Granted, not too helpful when your big ol Rottie is about to bite someone’s hand off!

    However, I strongly believe that both parents need to be respected as authority.

    Agreed!

  43. sugarglider
    5:13 pm on October 17th, 2008

    I am a parent of two and whole-heartedly agree with Sugarglider. Patience, consistency and attentiveness are much more effective in child-rearing than physical violence.

    xo@mish. Intermittent positive reinforcement is amazing in the long run, scarily amazing.

    If you a pigeon in a box with a lever it can peck for food and it gets a pellet each time it pecks, and then the pellets suddenly stop coming, it will try a few times and then stop pecking.

    If you put a pigeon in a box with a lever and it gets a pellet at RANDOM intervals (7 pecks the first time, 3 pecks the next time, 25 pecks the next time, 1 peck the next time), and then stop letting it have any pellets the poor bastard will actually peck itself to death waiting for the next intermittent reward.

    Er, don’t try this at home–children don’t like being put in boxes…LOL

  44. mishdabrat
    7:05 pm on October 17th, 2008

    If you put a pigeon in a box with a lever and it gets a pellet at RANDOM intervals (7 pecks the first time, 3 pecks the next time, 25 pecks the next time, 1 peck the next time), and then stop letting it have any pellets the poor bastard will actually peck itself to death waiting for the next intermittent reward.

    If only I’d known this while I was still married, I’d have tried it on the Ex!

  45. CheekySweetie
    10:00 pm on October 17th, 2008

    You know I love ya Sugar, but I’m not on board with the intermittent rewards, at least not at first…but then again you did say in the long run so maybe I am just confirming what you meant, haha. When there isn’t consistency when establishing a rule and a consequence for breaking it, kids get some good ol’ learned helplessness going on. If they know that there is even a small chance of getting away with something, most of the time the temptation is too great. But if you run, say a six week reward program, and then switch to an intermittent program for another six weeks or so, usually the external motivation shifts to internal motivation somehow, and it ends up not even being the reward that drive the good behavior, but the way it feels to do the right thing.

  46. Castille
    10:09 pm on October 17th, 2008

    I’m not so sure this Jose is the boyfriend of Shannon. Savannah’s obit lists a Michelle where you’d put, say, the step parent’s name. And Jaime Erickson seems to have been a former partner of Shannon, at which time Savannah had the last name Fullgraf-Erickson.

  47. sugarglider
    12:04 am on October 18th, 2008

    You know I love ya Sugar, but I’m not on board with the intermittent rewards, at least not at first…but then again you did say in the long run so maybe I am just confirming what you meant, haha.

    Hey, well, I didn’t say it was practical…I just said it’s a clinically proven thing….between punishment (worst), reward (2nd best) and intermittent reward. Now, if you’re just trying to train your dog to do commands like roll over and shake and that sort of thing, intermittent reward works great. Definitely, though, life is not lived in a clinic! HAHAHA. Like I said, locking the kid (or pet canine) in the box with the food lever or whatever is not the way to go! And not every problem is as simple as trying to get your dog to roll over or shake…

    In any event, I’m sure she’s heartbroken over the loss, and if that night wasn’t already the worst of her life, she came home from the hospital to find someone had broken into her apartment.  They stole a flat-screen television, DVD player, X-Box game system and cash, according to a police report.   Annoying, I’ll grant you, but it’s just “stuff.”   You can always buy more.  Where you gonna get another Savannah?

    Man, but that’s really shitty. Not as shitty as what happened to Savannah, but it’s literally insult to injury. Damn! I wa so horrified by this story I didn’t even see this part initially.

  48. savannahsmom
    10:14 pm on October 18th, 2008

    I AM SAVANNAH’S Adopted mother Shannon, I am a lesbian. Her bio mother Jaime and I had been together for 4 years her going off and cheating when she felt like it. The last time she got pregnant with Savannah and I took her back. She decided to leave Savannah and I for 3 weeks with no contact from her, assuming she was doing her own thing again. When she wanted to come back this time I would not let her. She found out that I was seeing someone else and took Savannah from me. I DID NOT GIVE HER UP OR NOT WANT HER. SAVANNAH WAS MY DAUGHTER AND MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! SHE WAS TAKEN FROM ME AND I WAS NOT ALOUD TO SEE HER. I was building a case to take Savannah from Jaime for full custody. SHE WAS MY BABY ANGEL, MY BUNKY. I hope this clears things up for everyone.

  49. sugarglider
    11:12 pm on October 18th, 2008

    I AM SAVANNAH’S Adopted mother Shannon, I am a lesbian. Her bio mother Jaime and I had been together for 4 years her going off and cheating when she felt like it.

    I get it, Shannon, and I see Castille had figured it out–you didn’t mean you didn’t want Savannah anymore. You meant you didn’t want her cheating bio-mommy anymore. Well, I’m really sorry for your loss and I’m sure as hell sorry for Savannah, because her bio-mom should have left her with you. Savannah would still be alive. :(

  50. BluExtacy
    4:42 am on October 19th, 2008

    I AM SAVANNAH’S Adopted mother Shannon, I am a lesbian. Her bio mother Jaime and I had been together for 4 years her going off and cheating when she felt like it. The last time she got pregnant with Savannah and I took her back. She decided to leave Savannah and I for 3 weeks with no contact from her, assuming she was doing her own thing again. When she wanted to come back this time I would not let her. She found out that I was seeing someone else and took Savannah from me. I DID NOT GIVE HER UP OR NOT WANT HER. SAVANNAH WAS MY DAUGHTER AND MY LIFE!!!!!!!!! SHE WAS TAKEN FROM ME AND I WAS NOT ALOUD TO SEE HER. I was building a case to take Savannah from Jaime for full custody. SHE WAS MY BABY ANGEL, MY BUNKY. I hope this clears things up for everyone.

    i am soo deeply sorry for your loss.

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