Paul Parrish Thinks Jell-O Is The Bomb
Charleston, WV - Paul E. Parrish II, 43, was hungry last Monday. He also thought it would be a good idea to make some extra cash, maybe catch a movie. Unfortunately for Paul, the best laid plans of an epic failure often hinge on a Jell-O box.  Hint for future copycats: Jell-O boxes do not look like bombs. Nobody will take you seriously. Not even the clerk at the Movie Gallery.
Parrish apparently went to Kroger on Monday and bought the Jello cheesecake dessert, and ate it. Sources are unclear on whether he mixed it first. Maybe he snorted it through a straw like Charles De Mar in Better Off Dead, I dunno. Anyway, he somehow managed to ingest the tasty dessert, and the resulting sugar high was a bonus for Round Two of Paul’s Epic Fail Adventure.
Once the Jell-O box was empty, Parrish took it with him and entered a nearby Movie Gallery video rental store. Wearing a gray Unabomber-style hoodie, ski gloves, jeans, and sandals (yes, sandals), Paul placed the box on the counter. He explained to the clerk that the Jell-O box contained a bomb and that if the clerk did not empty the drawer, Parrish would detonate said Jell-O bomb via remote control.
I don’t know where he thought he was gonna get a remote. It takes awhile to eat Junior Mints at the video store. They get kinda chewy. And Milk Duds take forever.
The clerk just looked at Parrish and went “Shyeah, whatever, dude”, and called the cops. Because Movie Gallery clerks are smart and watch a lot of movies, and they know that if the lid’s off and there’s no tape and no wires, there’s no bomb other than the flatulence of a full-tummied perpetrator. Parrish took off, and the amused clerk made a police report.
On Wednesday, Parrish was arrested when a patrol officer spotted him. Officers took Parrish in and made him watch the video - because hey, it was funny, right?
“(Parrish) said, ‘That looks like a Jell-O box.’ We said, ‘Yeah, we think so too,’” said police Sgt. Aaron James. Parrish confessed and allowed as how he really wanted some money for gas and smokes. Said Sgt. James, “It was really kind of silly. I don’t know what the heck he was thinking.”
I bet he wasn’t thinking “I really wanna be the idiot on the front page of Dreamin’ Demon.” Sometimes people just have greatness thrust upon them. Paul “Jell-O” Parrish was charged with attempted robbery and a parole violation, and remains in custody with no bond information available.
SoJaded is talking about this case in our forums.
I hope he didn’t make the additional fashion faux pas of wearing SOCKS with his sandals.
If not I hope his to nailes were polished!
Not even a kitchen timer taped to the thing with electrical tape? No blue or black wires? No modeling clay disguised to look like C-4? How about a pipe capped at both ends? Some nails? Ball bearings? NOTHING??? Just an empty jello box?
Yeah, this guy doesn’t even get an E for Effort. He gets a W for “what the fuck were you thinking” and a T for “you must be a little Tarded to think that would work.” And a free membership to screamindemon.com, cause jebus, even my 6 year old could fake a bomb better than that just from watching Spongebob.
Was it the Jello box that tipped off the box office guy?? Cuz this dude has dumbass writtne all over his face. “DERRRR”
Keith Olberman of Countdown did some shaming of this tard last nite too! tards relatives must be so proud.
Haha, yay for the Better Off Dead reference!
“He snorts nasal spray? You know where I could score some?”
Yay no hurt kiddos!
Not so fast, it has been reported that the local first grade class laughed themselves to death at this tard’s robbery skilz.
R
This has got to be my favorite kind of news.. Call it natural selection– stupid people culling the herd themselves.. Thanks for the laugh!!
I sure wish we could see that video. I bet the clerk’s reaction is hilarious.
Why do I feel sorry for this guy?