Fort Wayne, IN - Ronald Miller, 56, has a thing for claw hammers. And garbage bags. And motor oil. And exhibitionism. All at the same time. On Monday night, a female Ft. Wayne police officer was driving down Miller’s street when she just happened to look over and see Mr. Motor Oil standing buck-ass naked in the large picture window of his living room. Miller’s Mr. Happy was standing erect, as if to say “Good evening, Officer!” in a jaunty salute.
The living room was well-lit, and Miller was enjoying his view of the world through his picture window and his wide-open front door. People walking down the street couldn’t help but notice Miller, Mr. Happy, and an odd assortment of objects getting busy on the couch, which was facing the street. The female officer called for backup. She was not gonna go tackle Mr. Happy alone, and I don’t blame her. I bet she thought he might be a little slippery to handle.
When two male officers arrived to assist, they approached the house. From the yard, the officers could clearly see Miller covered in motor oil, engaging in a sex act with a large claw hammer and a garbage bag. Yes, he was. No, I am not even kidding. He had the bag over the large claw hammer and the large claw hammer up his ass. Have I mentioned it was a large claw hammer? Because the police report says “Large Claw Hammer” about twelve times. I do not have to tell you what he was doing with the other hand, just suffice it to say that the officers had to ask him to stop checking the viscosity of the oil after they entered the house.
According to the police report, Miller took the hammer out of his butt, “examined” it, and sat naked on the couch. He was quiet, except for asking the officers to please give him another chance. But since the officers were suffering from burning eyeballs and the emotional trauma of seeing the guy in the above mugshot with a hammer lodged in his anus, they were unamused. Also, it turned out that Miller had a previous arrest for public indecency. And also, it turned out that the neighbors were not amused either, and asked the police to please, please cart that sick dude away. Apparently he has been making a habit of his exhibitionist behavior “24/24″, as one neighbor said.
Ronald Miller was taken to the Allen County Lock-Up, where he was charged with felony public indecency. Again. No word on his bail, but one hopes it involves a stipulation that Mr. Motor Oil has to draw his blinds.
TheMorningStar is talking about this story in our forums- thanks!
13 responses so far ↓
1
Not So Speechless
Aug 8, 2008 at 3:14 pm -I’ll never look at a large claw hammer the same way ever again- I need brain bleach.
2
Peeperann
Aug 8, 2008 at 4:39 pm -I’m really sorry for the neighbors and the officers, but, damn I was laughing my ass off while reading this!
That poor poor hammer!
3
angrymom
Aug 8, 2008 at 9:37 pm -This man should be happy in prison. Plenty of queens to choose from.
4
WryBread
Aug 8, 2008 at 10:10 pm -Another chance at what? I don’t even want to explore that thought.
A Bubbaku Household Tip:
Wrap that claw hammer
In a large black plastic bag
To keep poop off it.
5
Ruby
Aug 8, 2008 at 10:34 pm -Oh, Wrybread, that was the best Bubbaku EVAH. Wow. I think I actually just snorted I was laughing so hard.
6
captainhowdy
Aug 8, 2008 at 11:43 pm -oh gaaad. i shuddered involuntarily reading that. wtf. ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.
and yes, wrybread, that bubbaku ruled.
7
bogustoo
Aug 9, 2008 at 8:37 am -Wry, that was HILARIOUS! I just gave my keyboard a coffee bath. hehehe
8
yarbchris
Aug 9, 2008 at 8:58 am -I’m glad they nailed this guy.
9
Kathy
Aug 9, 2008 at 10:06 am -Because of the site problems, I am just NOW reading the post. When I read this in the forums, I guess I got to it before there were any details. For the life of me, I could not figure out what the hell he was doing with the claw hammer.
Now I know.
They were not kidding when they said, “Ignorance is bliss.”
10
Castille
Aug 9, 2008 at 2:03 pm -What, it wasn’t clear?? See, the claw keeps the object from getting… lost. lol
11
April
Aug 9, 2008 at 10:12 pm -Okay. Now that I have curbed my laughing fit… EWWWWWW!!!! Can you imagine what the cops must have been thinking??
12
Lilbay
Aug 10, 2008 at 1:31 pm -I do not think I have laughed so hard in my life. LOL
Ohh gosh the picture in my mind HAHA
13
sugarglider
Aug 11, 2008 at 7:59 pm -The arrest documents on thesmokinggun include the detail that when officers came in, he removed something from his butt and inspected it (the something turned out to be the hammer, of course).
Was it surely a garbage bag over the hammer? I thought it was just a plastic bag, and had been wondering what KIND of plastic bag it was. I do think it’s charming that he wished to avoid soiling the hammer.
It was also very considerate of him to lube it up with the motor oil.
I want to know more. I also want to know the stats of the “large claw hammer.”
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