Fort Wayne, IN - Ronald Miller, 56, has a thing for claw hammers. And garbage bags. And motor oil. And exhibitionism. All at the same time. On Monday night, a female Ft. Wayne police officer was driving down Miller’s street when she just happened to look over and see Mr. Motor Oil standing buck-ass naked in the large picture window of his living room. Miller’s Mr. Happy was standing erect, as if to say “Good evening, Officer!” in a jaunty salute.
The living room was well-lit, and Miller was enjoying his view of the world through his picture window and his wide-open front door. People walking down the street couldn’t help but notice Miller, Mr. Happy, and an odd assortment of objects getting busy on the couch, which was facing the street. The female officer called for backup. She was not gonna go tackle Mr. Happy alone, and I don’t blame her. I bet she thought he might be a little slippery to handle.
When two male officers arrived to assist, they approached the house. From the yard, the officers could clearly see Miller covered in motor oil, engaging in a sex act with a large claw hammer and a garbage bag. Yes, he was. No, I am not even kidding. He had the bag over the large claw hammer and the large claw hammer up his ass. Have I mentioned it was a large claw hammer? Because the police report says “Large Claw Hammer” about twelve times. I do not have to tell you what he was doing with the other hand, just suffice it to say that the officers had to ask him to stop checking the viscosity of the oil after they entered the house.
According to the police report, Miller took the hammer out of his butt, “examined” it, and sat naked on the couch. He was quiet, except for asking the officers to please give him another chance. But since the officers were suffering from burning eyeballs and the emotional trauma of seeing the guy in the above mugshot with a hammer lodged in his anus, they were unamused. Also, it turned out that Miller had a previous arrest for public indecency. And also, it turned out that the neighbors were not amused either, and asked the police to please, please cart that sick dude away. Apparently he has been making a habit of his exhibitionist behavior “24/24″, as one neighbor said.
Ronald Miller was taken to the Allen County Lock-Up, where he was charged with felony public indecency. Again. No word on his bail, but one hopes it involves a stipulation that Mr. Motor Oil has to draw his blinds.
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