Kingwood, TX - Many of you, at one time or another, have had that assclown stoner friend. You know the one: he’s a total idiot unless he is making a bong, and then he turns into MacGyver. I knew a guy once who made one out of a video game controller, not even kidding. Well, Kevin Wade Jones Jr. and Matthew Gonzalez are the Kingwood, Texas MacGyver smokers of the year. They’re also in a buttload of trouble for grave robbery, among other things. These two geniuses dug into the grave of a long-dead eleven year old boy and used the boy’s head for a bong. Way to buzz the earthy way, nimrods.
I hope they at least cleaned the skull first.
Jones and Gonzalez, both 17, got the bright idea to hit an old cemetery in Humble, Texas. The plots there were used for black soldiers and their families in the first two world wars. The grave the boys (and at least one juvenile, maybe two) disturbed belonged to an eleven year old boy named Willie Sims who died in 1921. Granted, Willie isn’t using the skull anymore, but maybe his family would have preferred the bong-boys use another object for their smokefest. Like an apple. Or a grenade.
Thing is, the assclowns wouldn’t even have gotten caught, except Kevin Jones was being questioned in a vehicle burglary case. In the old deflect-and-avoid questioning technique, Kevin started telling officers not about the car burglary, but about this great grave robbery he and his buddies pulled off a month or so ago. The only thing I can figure is that Kevin was high at the time, because why would you even admit to something like that?
Officers didn’t really believe Kevin at first. They thought he was bullshitting, so they went to talk to Matt Gonzalez. When the officer started asking about it, Matt hurled right into his dinner plate like a little bitch. Wussy. If you’re man enough to smoke weed out of a human skull, numbnuts, you’re man enough to hold your food down when you get caught.
Kevin Jones, Matt Gonzalez and an unidentified juvenile were all arrested and charged with various misdemeanors ranging from the vehicle burglary (nice job, asshats) to abuse of a corpse. Looks like they’re out on bail. Here’s hoping they find us and let us know “what really happened”. I could use a couple of asshats on a Friday.
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34 responses so far ↓
1
Becca
May 9, 2008 at 9:21 am -Fucking idiots.
2
akika666
May 9, 2008 at 9:25 am -MySpace douchebags
3
What Would Satan Do
May 9, 2008 at 9:30 am -I certainly HOPE they show up here…I need to know how they sealed the cranial sutures so the skull would hold water…just for curiosity’s sake you understand.
4
thepooh5
May 9, 2008 at 9:45 am -Shitheads. Why in the blue hell would anyone, not only admit to something they weren’t even being questioned for, but volunteer the information? Being high? - Surely, you can’t get that high off of weed. All I can say is, if they did get that high off weed, there is certainly a “higher quality” of weed in Texas than on the east coast. Nah, Jones was just an idiot. If I were his “buddy”, I’d be kicking his ass right now.
5
michelle
May 9, 2008 at 10:02 am -sure Satan, just out of curiousity
6
Barbara
May 9, 2008 at 10:14 am -Someone posted this on another site…..
A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course,
And no one can smoke with a corpse of course
That is, of course, unless the corpse is the famous Mr. Dead.
Go right to the source and ask the corpse
He’ll give you the answer that you’ll endorse.
He’s always on a steady course.
Smoke with Mr. Dead.
7
impqueen
May 9, 2008 at 10:17 am -I know, right? I’m betting there might have been tinfoil involved somewhere in the process.
8
ashdavus
May 9, 2008 at 10:26 am -Should we call Jeff Peckman?
I think these guys have surpassed thier share of weed…for their entire lifetimes.
9
carol13
May 9, 2008 at 10:27 am -The one in the white shirt, his myspace survey says-
Goal you would like to achieve this year: don’t get locked up
hahahahaha……dumbass
10
impqueen
May 9, 2008 at 10:37 am -Well, there’s one goal shot to hell.
11
carol13
May 9, 2008 at 10:43 am -And the orange shirt, his myspace headline is: “snitch’s get stiches”
once again….hahahahahaha
12
thepooh5
May 9, 2008 at 10:50 am -Isn’t he the one who “volunteered” the information? Wonder how many stitches he’s expecting to get - for getting the gang caught? Dumbass.
You know your headline or sayings should really be something you could live up to - like keeping your mouth shut! LOL - can’t help it. While I’m sad for the family members dealing with this, its just too ironic that the one who told on everyone else has that headline. Damn, dumbass.
13
swissmiss
May 9, 2008 at 12:50 pm -Incredibly wrong on SO many levels. Idiots.
14
carie215
May 9, 2008 at 1:04 pm -Are we sure “weed” is the only thing they were smoking? I have NEVER heard of anything like this before…they must have been really high and really bored…and my ? for anyof them is this - who’s brilliant idea was it? They’re all assholes for agreeing to it, but who came up w/ the plan? Idiots.
15
Mandella
May 9, 2008 at 1:51 pm -I love how Kevin’s girlfriend’s myspace is telling everyone to “STFU” because she LOVES her baby. Oh yeah, she loves her loser douchebag that goes in and out of jail, who robs graves to assault corpses for his weed-smoking pleasure, and seems to be proud that he’s following in his dad’s prison footsteps.
How stupid are girls? I’m so glad I’m finally a woman. Shit!!! I almost forgot - there are stupid women everywhere too.
“Stand by your man”?!?!?!
SHUT THE FUCK UP. You might actually be more retarded than your douchey boyfriend.
16
Athena
May 9, 2008 at 2:03 pm -And the orange shirt, his myspace headline is: “snitch’s get stiches”
A great band from Seattle. Well, okay…Maybe not great by any measure, but I always thought their name was pretty clever. :p
Man, these kids would have been revered as gods in my high school circle…right up until they bitched out and tattled on themselves.
17
Indrid Cold
May 9, 2008 at 2:17 pm -Holy shit, I WAS that dude at one point, before life & family & stuff slapped some responsibility into my sorry self. But these dudes brought the stupid in a big way. I’m glad to say I couldn’t touch ‘em.
18
freakinfantastic
May 9, 2008 at 2:27 pm -Their mothers must be so proud!!!
19
Unamused Cat
May 9, 2008 at 2:55 pm -Kingwood is an affluent neighborhood just north of Houston. I bet the families are proud. =p
20
Sir Geoff
May 9, 2008 at 3:37 pm -Whooooooooaaaaaaaaaa, maaaaaaaaaaannnnn! We all just need to chill and take in the vapors…………..they were just tryin’ to get a little head…………….wait………….what are we talkin’ about again?
21
WryBread
May 9, 2008 at 3:46 pm -Thank God that boy’s immediate family is all dead, too, so they don’t have to live with knowing what happened to his skull. I’m sure his relatives who are alive today are horrified enough. I can’t think of anything disgusting enough to happen to these grave molestors. I hope they have plenty of time to think about this in jail. Stupid morons. Thought a graveyard was just a playground for their stupid ambitions to be jerks.
22
Nell
May 9, 2008 at 4:05 pm -I know a guy that made a pipe out of part of an athsma inhaler and a nut. Like nuts and bolts. It was pretty impressive. Stoners can be really resourceful but these ones must have started the evening with speed cause I don’t know any potheads that would have the stamina to actually dig up a grave just to make a bong.
23
Dakota Valkyrie
May 9, 2008 at 8:00 pm -LOL Too true! (uhmmm… from what I’ve heard)
Mr. Matt (the one flipping us his IQ) lists his occupation as “FUCK YO COUCH”…
I don’t think he means the Imp’s couch, does he??
24
WryBread
May 10, 2008 at 7:50 am -Oh my Goodness! Couch fucking is spreading across the nation! Morbid, this is all your fault.
25
impqueen
May 10, 2008 at 7:56 am -That is not even MY couch. I just spend time handcuffed to it until my article quota is met every day.
Although we’re letting IndridCold have his turn. All new authors must go through couch time. Morbid still does it, but that’s because he loooooves that couch.
I was gonna run away with the couch once and have its ottoman, but we’re on a break now.
26
majaka
May 10, 2008 at 9:21 am -See what drugs do to your brain….. idiots.
27
Lisa
May 10, 2008 at 4:48 pm -Found this comment today on orange shirt’s MySpace page.
“Okay well I mean beyond the fact that its dirty as hell of a thing to do anyways, why a BLACK kid’s SKULL?? you can get haunted and shit for doing shit like that man its scary shit.. why a black kid??”
WTF? I don’t understand what kind of point, if any, this douchebag was trying to make make and what the race of the deceased boy has to do with anything. Robbing a skull from a cemetery to use as a bong was depraved, sick and just plain stupid and some retard is off on a tangent about the skull being from a black boy. What an asinine comment. “You can get haunted” I couldn’t help but laugh when I read that. Getting haunted should probably be the last of these two idiots’ concerns.
28
Nell
May 10, 2008 at 5:05 pm -God if that scared him he should be afraid of the bitchy white woman curse. It is way worse.
29
Dakota Valkyrie
May 10, 2008 at 6:08 pm -LOL He must not have appreciated all his “friends” comments… or maybe the emails? Orange shirt tot deleted all his friends, comments, everything off his MySpace.
30
WryBread
May 10, 2008 at 6:23 pm -Lisa, that is weird. Maybe some voodoo amateur or specialist in racist superstitions will come here and tell why it matters whose grave these jerks violated. I’d think ANY ghost would be outraged.
31
Lisa
May 10, 2008 at 8:11 pm -Exactly Wry, as I’m sure are any living relatives. I’m not sure if they can do anything to return the gravesite to the condition it was in before this happened or if they have even been able to recover the skull.
32
Nyrak
May 11, 2008 at 9:28 am -This is probably the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard of some assholes doing. Totally stupid but also really disgusting. It’s not that difficult to borrow a pipe from someone or have an 18yr old go to a porn shop to get one for your dumb 17yr old asses. Sheesh!
33
WryBread
May 11, 2008 at 5:01 pm -I’m not too up on burial history, but it seems to me the boy may have been buried in a wooden coffin. In that case, it collapsed long ago and the only thing the family could do would be gather up the bones and buy a new coffin. That’s an expensive proposition. I can’t even imagine the family’s feelings when the skull is returned to them — with the alterations made by the asshats. I hope it is given directly to the cemetery staff. Can you imagine being handed the bong-skull of your great, great, great, uncle?
34
carie215
May 12, 2008 at 9:19 am -Check out what dickhead’s sister sent me on MS. My message to him is @ the bottom, her response is under here. Gotta love it…the dream team defense, LMAO. I cursed her delusional ass out and blocked them, so…
From:
GG GG
Block User
myspace.com/sukkmydikkbitch
Date:
May 11, 2008 11:04 PM
Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [?]
Help: Flag
Message If you get a message that is spam (someone trying to sell you something, get you to look at their profile, or redirect you to another website), click the ‘Spam’ button to notify us. If the email is not spam, but is abusive in nature (cyberbullying, inappropriate content, or another matter), click on ‘Abuse’. You can then let us know what type of abuse the message is. Thanks for your help in moderating MySpace Mail!
Subject:
RE: ?
Body:
look bitch this is his sister stop bumping ur nasty ass gums my bro didnt do that shit if u wana talk shit to some one im gnna b that person my bro is a good person get ur story straight b4 u talk shit got something ese to say?
—————– Original Message —————–
From: ..Ms.
2 Fly 2 B Depressed..
Date: May 11, 2008 2:09 PM
U FUCKING SICK PSYCHO.
CHECK UR DUMB ASS OUT ON ..WWW. DREAMINDEMON.
COM.. - U & UR FUCKED UP FRIEND. I DONT KNW HOW YOUR MOOD CAN POSSIBLY BE “CALM” WHEN THE WHOLE WORLD NOW KNOWS WHO AND WHAT U R. MUST HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS TO SIT AROUND AND THINK OF SOME SICK SHIT LIKE THAT, GRAVE ROBBERY. GET A FUCKING LIFE SICKO…DIE SLOW.
..
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