Toronto, Canada — Cops in Toronto say Las Vegas-based former Mr. Universe and current Mr. Creepy Crazy Smiley Bald Dude Bijan Anjomi came to their fair city and got a little rapey. Toronto investigators arrested Anjomi, age 64, on May 7. He’s been charged with 3 counts of sexual assault. At least two women claim that they visited Anjomi in a hotel room — separately — for ‘personal coaching sessions.’ (There’s a new euphemism for ya.) Upon realizing this guy who looks like a Star Trek alien missing the funny forehead had assaulted them, the women ratted him out to the fuzz.
Did I mention that Anjomi is, in addition to being a motivational speaker, a ‘clinical hypnotherapist?’ (Paging Carmine Baffa, your motivational speaking, hypnotizing, sexually predatory soul brother and fellow creepy fucker is on line 1). This may have something to do with the strangely phrased bit about the alleged victims ‘realizing’ Anjomi assaulted them.
Anjomi’s terrifying website features first his unearthly smiling mug and a then bunch of other stuff about how cosmically awesome this former health club owner, bartender, bouncer and commercial real estate agent truly is. When speaking to your civic group, company or cult, you can expect Anjomi to see and feel “the participant’s energy, beliefs and thought systems.” His superhuman perceptions and penis allow him to “know exactly how to work with the audience and to know what to say” in order to get women back to his room for some hypnotizing and raping. Okay, I added that last part.
Bijan Anjomi appears to be kind of a big deal in some Vegas social circles. A page at SocialRegister.com says that Baffa — er, Anjomi and his wife, Samia Hyjazi, will pretty much bring peace and harmony to the entire fucking Universe through their mad healing, coaching, speaking and raping skills.
Inexplicably, Anjomi did indeed win a division of the Mr. Universe competition 3 times. This explains his rockin’ man-maries, seen in the image at the top of the page.
If you’ve been raped by Bijan Anjomi, or you know anyone else he may have roped into one of Mr. Universe’s ‘personal coaching sessions,’ call the Toronto CrimeStoppers at 416-222-8477.
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25 responses so far ↓
1
impqueen
May 7, 2008 at 6:51 pm -Awesome article. One of the best laughs I’ve had all week.
And dude does have a Michael Dorn thing happening around the eyes, not gonna lie.
2
Indrid Cold
May 7, 2008 at 7:03 pm -Thank you
I toyed with putting up a Mr. Clean comparison shot, but I’m too lazy.
3
swissmiss
May 7, 2008 at 7:25 pm -Did you here Mr. Clean is in the hospital? He has ammonia.
Seriously though. I was completely convinced the guys head on that body was an awesome photoshop job. Until I visited his webist. He really looks like that? Ewww. Creepy. Asshat.
4
swissmiss
May 7, 2008 at 7:33 pm -Haha! First time commenter. Make that ‘website’. Not ‘webist’. Gosh. Way to make an impression. *blushes*
5
Indrid Cold
May 7, 2008 at 7:40 pm -I think you coined a word, actually. “Webist” — one who lives his life on the Web. I’m a motherfuckin webist, yo.
It could also mean someone who has a sick fetish for surfing the web, I guess. Or would that be a webophile? As opposed to a webophobe, someone who runs in terror from the web. The latter phenomenon is usually due to an encounter with a teenager’s viciously pimped-out MySpace page.
Or seeing Bijan Anjomi’s website, for that matter.
6
swissmiss
May 7, 2008 at 7:53 pm -LMAO Indrid! Brilliant reply to my mass rad typo. Or perhaps my typo was really my subconscious mind trying to come out of the webophile closet…
Bijan Anjomi’s website = instant onset of webophobia
7
Indrid Cold
May 7, 2008 at 7:56 pm -So I wasn’t off when I said his site was terrifying? Cause I clicked to it the first time and screamed out loud, like a leetle girl.
8
Indrid Cold
May 7, 2008 at 8:02 pm -BTW — Carmine Baff- er, Bijan Anjomi is all up in the YouTubez too.
9
Dakota Valkyrie
May 7, 2008 at 8:04 pm -Guess those gals didn’t listen to his CD: “How to Be Open to Receive”
I don’t need to order his book “Absolutely Effortless Laughter” because Indrid seems to summed up the story quite well…
10
Becca
May 7, 2008 at 8:35 pm -Dammit Indrid, why the hell would you link his website?? I’m gonna have nightmares over that freaky grin and all the bullshit.
Wonder why he had to rape women though? His wife is pretty hot. Just sayin’.
11
Indrid Cold
May 7, 2008 at 8:38 pm -Oh, that’s good.
Seriously, though — I was always suspicious as hell of the whole motivational speaker/life coach thing, but guys like this and Baffa have only amplified that suspicion. I can’t help but think most of them are cons in one way or another, now.
You know, I’m a good public speaker. Shit, maybe I’ll give it a try. “On becoming a happier webist with Indrid Cold” or some shit like that.
12
Indrid Cold
May 7, 2008 at 8:41 pm -My dear, linking that fucker’s website was crucial to the crafting of this lovely bit of prose by yours truly. Because after I saw it, I imagined others clicking through and doing exactly as I did — backing away from the computer with a start, snowblind from Bijan’s teeth and screaming, desperately making the sign of the cross all the way.
13
Becca
May 7, 2008 at 9:06 pm -I did just that, then ran and grabbed two more beers from fridge in an attempt to soothe myself.
14
Nell
May 7, 2008 at 9:14 pm -I think his website put me in preterm labor! Oh no, its just gas.
15
Unamused Cat
May 7, 2008 at 9:19 pm -Ugh…. He is ugly and creepy.
16
feisty76
May 7, 2008 at 9:22 pm -Holy shit! That website is frightening. That man could seriously blind someone with his 110 watt shining teeth. Eek.
He even has books for children…gotta rope ‘em in young apparently.
17
Totemic
May 7, 2008 at 9:37 pm -Ok, you have to admit… “Effortless Prosperity” Can you not have a more blatant admission than that? Lots of money for him and her, very little effort for them…. oh unless you count Mr Bald grunting on top of you.
18
blahblahblah
May 7, 2008 at 10:18 pm -that was very entertaining!
i have never seen such glow-in-the-dark teeth. do you suppose they are dentures?
19
Kathy
May 7, 2008 at 10:39 pm -I know people say it all the time about bald men, but this guy ACTUALLY looks like a penis. In this pic he looks like a penis, on his website, it looks like someone dressed a penis up in a little suit.
For a second there, I though it was a HUGE joke and this was just one of Morbid’s photoshop jobs. But no, this guy really looks like that. Like a dick with veneers.
20
Wonder
May 8, 2008 at 1:51 am -http://www.effortlessprosperit.....2008-05-19
check out his next event, be sure to see the refund policy too lol
This seminar is more than your relationship with your significant other. It is also about your relationship with your family, relatives, neighbors, co-workers and most importantly with yourself. During this seminar Bijan and Samia will work together to clear all the misunderstanding and negative belief systems that are going around on this planet regarding your relationships.
$650 for 5 days / advanced registration is only $500
one thing you might learn is …..
…..How to open yourself for effortless relationships
21
thepooh5
May 8, 2008 at 9:32 am -hahahahaha roflmao
22
solange822001
May 12, 2008 at 6:59 am -Hahahahahaha, oh my god. I was reading this comment as I was listening to Imp’s response to the hate mail about this. Good times, good times!
23
solange822001
May 12, 2008 at 11:04 am -Did you guys post the Impqueen response to the hate mail? I want to see it, I can’t decipher the first line of it on the podcast, Imp was laughing too hard!
24
impqueen
May 12, 2008 at 12:10 pm -Here’s the hate mail, by popular demand:
Ramona wrote:
You publish crap you are going to be judged like a crap. The demon represents
you well with your hatred and low life on this earth.
Those two crazy lunatic ladies accusing Bijan Anjomi have mental problems. One
of my friend went to one of those in her home and she was in hysteria thinking
the dog was going to molest her and that the mail man was smiling too much at
her. She is overweight and ugly as a cow. How could a man desire such a scum
bag. He would be crazy. Continue to spread your dirty language around you
contribute a lot to the forces of evil and frankly what do you do to make this
world better. Fart and speak dirty. Everyone can fall into this weakness. It is
not a glory. I prefer my wallet to yours because I have work all my life to have
the money I am enjoying and I do not have to earn it while spitting my dirty
fuel on everybody because I fell sorry for myself.
Naturally, I felt the need to respond in kind.
I wrote:
Dear Ramona,
It is Ramona, right? You’re not a guy? Then someone else has your Myspace. Anyway.
Thank you for your kind email. Our demon’s name is Hudge. When we light the special
penis-shaped candle, Hudge sends his answers via light waves to our higher consciousness.
Today we offered a sacrifice to Hudge to ask for his guidance in dealing with your
problem.
Hudge imparted his infant demon wisdom to us. He says that you should engage in two
personal coaching sessions at only $500 each. This will help you with your energy,
beliefs and thought systems. Hudge also suggested that you pump a little iron to relieve
your sexual tension and to rid you of your jealousy at not being one of the Anjomi’s
chosen. Hudge says that although Bijan Anjomi is a pervert who likes to rape vulnerable
women under hypnosis, that might be right up your alley.
If you couldn’t score with Anjomi, perhaps it’s time you give Carmine Baffa a call.
Sincerely,
Imp Queen
Acolyte of Hudge, the Dreamin’ Demon
25
Miss. Hill
May 12, 2008 at 1:59 pm -Hahahahaha!
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