Ryan Schallenberger Loves Ebay, Bombs
Chesterfield, SC - Dear Ryan Schallenberger,
High school sucks.  Girls can be bitches. Boys can be assholes. Stuff happens that makes you want to slam your locker and blow up the building - but you know all about that, don’t you? Yeah.  See, Ryan, I’ve looked at what passes for your Myspace, and I know you don’t even have a Facebook, and your social network is kind of jacked. But Ryan, Ryan, Ryan… don’t buy your ammonium nitrate on Ebay.
Yeah, I know. Columbine looks cool from where you’re sitting. Trenchcoat Mafia represent, and all that. All hail the underdog. I feel ya, kid, I really do. Adults who think their corporate life sucks really ought to give high school another go and remember. But here’s the thing - bombing the school? Unoriginal. It’s been done. See “Heathers”. Christian Slater DIES in that movie, dumbass. Don’t be Christian Slater. Have you seen his career lately?
So you were gonna make a nail bomb or ten. Teach Chesterfield High a lesson they wouldn’t forget. Left audio recordings to be played after your death. Misunderstood, check. Revenge, check. Blaze of glory, check. News coverage? Well, you got plenty of that now, don’tcha, slick?  I know you’re really pissed at your parents for calling the cops. You know what? They probably didn’t even think it was for you at first. They probably looked at the package and went “WTF? You can make meth with that,” and it didn’t occur to them you had more devious designs. But you, you were smart, huh? Had it all written out, huh? “Columbine III”? That’s the worst name for a revenge bombing I’ve ever heard.
But all’s well that ends well. Nobody will be laughing at you in class, because you won’t be in class. You’ll be doing a little psych eval after your bond hearing tomorrow, and then you’ll either go inpatient or you’ll give the mainstream crime blogs and news media something to chew on for awhile as you stand trial and your lawyer talks about how you resented being bullied by future frat boys and their lipgloss Lolitas.
I feel for you, kid, I really do. But you’re an assclown, because seriously, did you even get positive feedback for the Ebay transaction? Next time, just smoke some weed or borrow your mom’s Xanax. It’ll make you feel rebellious and mellow all at the same time. Or, y’know, just create an alternate universe where you’re the ruler, like me.
Love, Imp Queen
While I take it as a compliment to be mistakenly identified as someone who is as brilliant as Athena, she has an absolutely outstanding writing style which I could not even begin to approximate. Her posts are like a DaVinci painting, in prose. Mine are more like a fingerpainting kit most days - usually fun, but messy and all over everything!
Well, gosh, Angel. You’re entirely too kind.
Swivel? Where are you? I may not be able to ego stroke better than you…but this girl has got all sorts of finesse. I’d place my bet on her.
I only said it because it’s true, Athena. You write so beautifully, that sometimes I forget your age. You are better able to express yourself than most people who are my age (and I’ve been around since dinosaurs roamed the earth). It really is heartening to see that some of the young people of today still actually have brains, and the desire to use them, when most others of your generation think that the word “like” is a universal substitute for any and every part of speech, and if “like” doesn’t work, then “fuck” will do just fine, thankyouverymuch. You should be proud of your writing skills, and your ability to use the English language to elicit intelligent conversation on any number of topics.
I’m TOTALLY not excusing him for bad behavior! He’s paid many the price for his decisions and behaviors, and will continue to do so. But we need to listen to these kids. They are telling us something in pretty much everything they do.
~snip~
I believe the boy in this story could / would have found his way through it, if he had just waited one more day before placing that order. One more day.
Athena, yes I really am a yoga lover. Are you really a goddess?
I didn’t mean to suggest that you were excusing anything. You made it pretty clear that you weren’t. You’re obviously an involved parent. While I cannot say for sure, I’d be willing to bet that this kid might not have made it this far had he had a couple of those. I mean, would they have noticed anything at all had they not been the ones to find the delivery notice? Just like the Columbine kids…All their parents had to do was open the door to the kid’s room to see the yards of fuse coiled up and in plain site. Further investigation would have revealed more weaponry. All sorts of heinous shit can be avoided if one simply pays attention. Thanks for being attentive enough to your son that he won’t have to turn into a Ryan.
I’m really an Athena. Coincidentally, I’m damn near a dead ringer in terms of historical depictions of the goddess…But, I don’t typically rock a helmet and armor, nor do I own a spear or a shield…So, I’m gonna have to say no. Not a goddess.
Athena, I didn’t think for a minute that you were questioning my parenting skills! Though, I question them myself sometimes, so would have no bone to pick with you if you WERE questioning them.
PS: I’ve read a lot of your posts on this and other DD entries, and I think you just might be a goddess.
peace
Uncle, uncle! You women have got me blushing so hard, my feet are falling asleep due to all the blood that’s rushed to my cheeks!
Seriously, though, there’s nothing quite like a compliment from folks as articulate and down-to-earth as you and Angel most certainly are. Glad you joined, Yoga. I can’t wait to see you pass some wicked judgment on some of our child molestors or murderers.
Yogaluvr - what I respect the most about you is the fact you acknowledge your son’s accountability while still saying you love him.
That’s rare here. Most of the time its “he’s my son and he would never”. I takes a good parent to recognize their child’s mistakes and make them stand to them. Making a child accountable doesn’t mean the parent doesn’t love them. It means the parent wants their child to be a good member of society not a drain on it.
I hope that you and your son, find a happy medium, that is productive for both of you. Hang in there, one day he will grow up and realize what a good mother you were for sticking by him through everything - even though you don’t condone his actions you love him unconditionally. He will see that one day and know you just wanted what was best for him.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. Sorry I disappeared for so long… had kids to beat. They can SO ruin all the fun, can’t they?
I believe what you said, Pooh, that my son will one day realize I raised him with the best of intentions. Thanks for reminding me of that. In the meantime, I need to remember how much he needs me to love him for who he is - flaws and all. We all got ‘em. Me - I can go from giddy to bitch faster than most can spell “pedophile.”
Before I forget, huge kudos to Ryan Schallenberger’s parents. Clearly they love their son.
See you all on another entry. Right now though, I gotta hit the new episode of ER. Here’s hoping to get a glimpse of Luka!
Ryan wanted to die and go to heaven so he could kill Jesus.
http://www.kypost.com/news/national/story.aspx?content_id=88256b22-22f6-4db9-85fe-04db33dea1ab
Well, in his defense, if you are gonna have goals you might as well set them high.
LMAO! Do ya think he got his idea from watching that movie “The Golden Compass”? After all, they are blaming everything else on TV, movies, and music these days - why not this?