Ocala, FL - I really almost can’t blame her. Melissa Dean, 43, is a single mother with four sons. Four teenage sons. Ages 17, 16, 14, and 13. She wasn’t getting any respect, so Melissa Dean went on strike. Now she’s being charged with four counts of “neglect of a child without great harm“.
I have to tell you that just having four teenagers at once might well send me to my own private Imp Lockdown Unit, so perhaps my sympathies are too much with Mama here. But she’s 5′0″ and 140 pounds - not a big girl by any means. And her four kids fought so much and so often that police have been to her house TWELVE times since September 2007 due to the boys’ misbehavior.
The charging affidavit says that Dean says that her boys “needed to start cleaning up and stop fighting” and that she had no control over them. Dean also said she was fed up with being run over in her own home and having no privacy, and that she decided to “go on strike” because police and the court system refused to help her with the boys. So she left them with the house and moved in with friends a month ago.
Now I might tell her to suck it up and deal, and perhaps she should have. But I suspect it wasn’t a matter of not loving her children, but that she was simply overwhelmed. Because Dean, who is a Walgreens manager, still cooked and delivered meals to the boys. She gave one son her bedroom so that shared rooms wouldn’t be such a big deal. She called them frequently, and spent one night a week at home. Extreme? Yes. Unwarranted? Possibly not. I mean, she didn’t beat the kids, or shoot them, or kill herself. She was supervising from a distance. Maybe a little too far a distance, and for a little too long. But it wasn’t working anyway, because they boys weren’t appreciating her more or fighting less.
Police said they were called to the home on Monday because two of the boys were fighting over a computer cord. One of the boys ran to a neighbor’s home and called the cops, and the whole story came out.
I think if I were a judge I might call it a failed experiment and emancipate the oldest two boys, but that’s just me. Melissa Dean is out on bond and awaiting court.
Thanks, Kathy!
53 responses so far ↓
Pages: [1] 2 » Show All
1
ells9824
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:01 am -They need to help this woman instead of harming the situation more. Yay Florida! We arrest good moms and let child molesters bury kids alive.
2
Nanette
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:05 am -Exactly! At least she was trying (in her own way) to MAKE these kids grow up and stop driving her crazy!
3
pms.247
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:16 am -I think the mom did the right thing, and I will probably get blasted on here for it, but yeah - go mom! It’s time for those boys to grow the hell up and become young men, not worthless idiots. They need to learn to respect women - especially their mom. I believe 100% in tough love. She didn’t desert them - she kept in contact with them, cooked for them, etc. It was probably either she needed to leave or send her boys away to some facility which deals with hard-to-control kids. I’m sure this was a difficult decision for her and she did it out of love. I hope the judge lets her off and puts her whole family in counseling and supervision of the boys to make sure THEY are sticking to the plan.
Incredible - twelve times in 5 months. She should have moved out on their asses sooner.
4
Kathy
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:23 am -I think they should give her an award for not drowning them.
5
momoftwins
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:33 am -I can’t believe they arrested her. These are teenagers, not little kids. Sometimes I hate this country.
6
bogustoo
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:35 am -Agreed completely!
She didn’t hurt the kids. She tried to get help through the court system. That didn’t work. She had no other option than to find a way herself. If we’re going to give up on parents when they are SPECIFICALLY REQUESTING help, then we really have nobody to blame but ourselves when these same parents blow their gaskets.
7
muffin77
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:41 am -Fair plate to this woman for finally trying to do something to teach her kids how to look after themselves and to appreciate all the things she did for them.
Four teenage boys cannot be fun to raise, but i gotta wonder…who taught them to be ungrateful abusive (yes, I consider them forcing her to live like this abusive) brats in the first place? Sounds like she needed to do something 10 years ago.
Having said that it doesn’t take away from the fact that she realised she needed to do something to change the pattern of behaviour in the house. Just a pity she didn’t do something less extreme a long time ago.
8
colomom
Feb 21, 2008 at 12:14 pm -I think I probably would have taken the two youngest with me because I would worry about the older boys hurting them BUT the 16 and 17 year old could definitely take care of themselves and giving them the opportunity to grow the hell up sounds like a good idea to me. I also think a family therapist would have been in order. Also, what happened to the sperm donor?
TWELVE times?? What kind of CPS system do they have in Florida?? Oh yeah, I forgot….never mind.
9
Miss. Hill
Feb 21, 2008 at 12:50 pm -Why is she in trouble isn’t 17 old enough to watch over the younger boys? Also she was still seeing them on a daily basis. I don’t find fault with her actions. Sounds like they need a serious ass whippin! Where is dad?
10
WryBread
Feb 21, 2008 at 1:11 pm -Is there some way we could send this lady flowers or candy? I’m sure she would appreciate a little kindness in her life. I think she did the best that she could think of in a bad situation. Cudos to her friends for letting her stay with them.
I shudder to think of the condition of that house with four lazy kids alone in it for weeks.
11
solange822001
Feb 21, 2008 at 1:20 pm -Exactly! Agreed
12
pms.247
Feb 21, 2008 at 2:54 pm -To answer your question, Colomom, this is just one example of This wonderful state’s protection of children:
http://www.news-press.com/apps.....1/1003/ACC
That is a very recent story. If you check out the side bar to the right, it lists other briefs on recent children’s deaths who were in the system. This place in frickin unbelievable!
13
pms.247
Feb 21, 2008 at 2:56 pm -That was my first thought, too. Totally disgusting, no doubt!
14
Unamused Cat
Feb 21, 2008 at 2:56 pm -Poor woman. She looks worn to a frazzle and ten years older than she should. So where is the father?
15
Hippiepoet
Feb 21, 2008 at 4:06 pm -That’s a damn good idea. Heh, bet it’s been awhile since she received any flowers.
Agree, this lady and I are the same age and damn you can tell, she has 4 teenage boys, and I only have two under the age of 12. Wow, she could use a damn break, I think.
16
Kathy
Feb 21, 2008 at 4:06 pm -LOL!
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,331690,00.html
Little punks!
17
impqueen
Feb 21, 2008 at 4:20 pm -I’m also noticing that in the mom’s mugshot, her eyebrows are almost perfectly even. As a result, we can conclude that she is pretty much sane, or at least not a cockeyed child killer. I vote for acquittal.
18
Hippiepoet
Feb 21, 2008 at 4:21 pm -Great link, Kathy. I think the female reporter, ought to take those boys in for a few days, since she thinks the mom is so neglectful. Jesus Christ. I am curious as to what the home life has been like. These kids definitely have some troubles.
That little shit coming at the camera man, needs an ass whipping and a few lessons on how to be respectful to other people.
19
impqueen
Feb 21, 2008 at 4:39 pm -OH. MY. GOSH. After watching that video all i can say is, no wonder she went on strike. I probably would have poisoned the little bastards. (note to cops: not really.)
Don’t you know her defense attorney is doing the “YES!” arm pump right now, knowing he’s got her acquittal in the bag? I’d ask for a jury trial and show that video.
20
thepooh5
Feb 21, 2008 at 4:59 pm -After that video, no shit. I have to say the mom probably did have to leave or snap. She kept a check on them and fed them. They are not babies. I can’t say I would have done the same, but I don’t fault her either. I can’t say I would have done the same only because I don’t picture myself ever letting it get this far out of hand - I could be wrong.
You have to commend her for leaving instead of killing the little shits. Even after she left the abusive boys - she continued to cook for them and check on them daily. Those are not actions of a mother who does not care. Overwhelmed and at her wits end maybe, but not just someone who abandoned their kids. No way.
My thoughts really go to the older teens abusing her - and she’s just not saying anything. Its almost guaranteed that she was receiving verbal abuse and I wouldn’t doubt physical abuse, as well. Florida sucks.
21
Miss. Hill
Feb 21, 2008 at 10:38 pm -Those boys are out of control.. lacking father figure, and consistent discipline? They are in need of an ass whippin and a dose of reality. Come on even dogs know don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Their mom is the only one that could love their disrespectful, idiotic, asses. Good luck in life boys your gonna need it, start saving for bail now!
22
WryBread
Feb 22, 2008 at 12:10 am -She should have put them out into the streets to try out their tough talk on some real criminals. They would have been whimpering to help clean up the house and bless her after a week of the real world.
23
Harley_Tech
Feb 22, 2008 at 12:32 am -I knew a woman in central FL who has three sons and all seem to talk to her in the same manner as those kids did in the video.
I told her that if those punks ever acted that way to her or any other woman in my presence, I would cut their tongue right out of their heads.
We have not talked since then… I figure to one day read about her here on DD. I think I’ll e-mail her some of the links from this story.
I kinda wish I had been with the reporter in that story. The video would have ended much different that it did.
I wonder if they teach that shit in the schools down there???? How to be an out of control punk and abuse your poor single mom.
http://i172.photobucket.com/al...../milfs.gif
R
24
Unamused Cat
Feb 22, 2008 at 1:51 am -If they really want to punish her, they will make her go back home with those brats. Me, I would be saying, “Yah, take my boys away from me, throw me into the briar patch.”
25
So Jaded
Feb 22, 2008 at 2:44 am -If it was my son…he’d have been on the first bus to boot camp or military school.
Kids that behave like little punks at this age usually grow into adult assholes.
On another note…I’ve been raising my 4 kids for 12 years without a father figure present in their lives…and not ONE of them would ever even think about speaking to me like that or disrespecting me like that.
26
WryBread
Feb 22, 2008 at 11:39 am -The kids learn it from each other and from music and the internet. But mostly from each other. Look at the Courkie idiot who was posting here threatening to put our asses in the hospital via cyberspace. Same language, same attitude.
27
mm_classy
Feb 22, 2008 at 12:34 pm -Sadly, It’s very hard for a single mom that has a son or more than one that is out of control. Once a child is bigger and stronger than you, it’s almost impossible to spank them. And there is just no help.
My son was so bad as a teen I thought I would lose my mind. And I did my best to raise him right as he was growing up. But he got in with trouble making kids, and things just went to hell fast.
He would scream and cuss at me, and hit me. I would call the police and they would guilt me, saying he’d spend one night in jail, be released to me the next day and nothing would be solved other than ME giving this poor kid a police record. I had a 2 year old in the home and my very sick disabled mom living there as well. His outbursts would be so bad I would tell him, look at her (my mother sitting there hysterical gasping for air) and tell him, you’re killing my mother, this HAS to stop! He didn’t care.
I put him into in patient care and got him on meds, only to find out he wasn’t taking them though he acted like it in front of me.. he was selling them. He was kicked out of school and put into alternative education, nothing seemed to get through to him. I would talk to his councelors and tell them how bad it was, and in front of him… they would tell me, there is nothing I could do. I couldn’t kick him out. He was under age. I would go to jail! They said I better make a fortune if I was thinking of boot camp, because it’s so expensive, unless court ordered. Screaming at him, restraining him to keep him from attacking me, was abuse…
These idiots seriously sat there and might as well have just said, you can completely do as you please, because there is NOTHING your mother can do about it.
There is no help for parents of abusive children. Or kids that are out of control. Unless you happen to have alot of money. And still it boils down to, if they dont want to change, they wont.
perfect example here, this mother was trying to do the only thing she could think, to try to shock some sense into these kids, and look… she’s the one punished.
I dont know what the answer is for kids like this and single moms trying to do their best to keep things going for all of them.
28
Reputable
Feb 22, 2008 at 1:34 pm -http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,331690,00.html
Little punks!
I agree!!!
It’s a wonder the poor mom escaped with her life! I am really surprised they didn’t kill her!
I can not even imagine how depressing it must have been for her to have to live with these “punks”…
The “boys” need to go to boot camp for about 4 years or more & hopefully they will become human beings.
I really wonder if the father was abusive to the mom… maybe even the kids when he “was” around. (Big Shrug)
29
Unamused Cat
Feb 22, 2008 at 2:17 pm -I am so sorry you went through that with your son. How is he doing now?
30
mm_classy
Feb 22, 2008 at 2:41 pm -That’s a tough one. I’d love to put on my rose colored glasses and sa he turned his life around and grew up and now he’s a great person. Sadly, that’s not really the case. However he does treat ME alot better now.
I think this is alot of why the TJ Mullis story hit me so hard. As I read about him, I kept thinking it sounded just like my son. Only he was never abused. He was just a bi polor angry kid that wouldn’t take his meds. He is 21 now. Cant hold a job. Has alot of anger issues. Verbally treats his wife like crap. Pathalogical liar. Manipulative bully.
I’ve lost so many nights sleep over this, thinking what would I do, or think, or feel if he ever hurt his daughter like these sick freaks do? Because of course, he’s my son and I love him dearly and we have a very close relationship now. I just dont ever see him snapping and hurting her though. He’s a stay home dad, and fiercly protective of her, just like he is of his little sister. I had never even thought to worry about it, until I read about Alijah, and then all of my worst nightmares started hitting me.
But my grand daughter is over 1 yr old, and he is really good with her. Just like he was good with his sister. But I know it’s not a good home environment she’s in with his anger and the way he talks to his wife.
I just keep praying for them, and mostly for him to just grow up!
it is very hard on parents, to know their child needs help, even once they are adults, and there is nothing we can really do about it. Very frustrating.
31
Unamused Cat
Feb 22, 2008 at 7:09 pm -I hope your son will come to realize that he needs to turn his life around for his daughter and himself. I have a family member in almost the same situation. He would never hurt his family, but if someone looks at him sideways on the street, the fight is on. It is frustrating. Take care of yourself and give your grand daughter lots of love.
32
WryBread
Feb 22, 2008 at 9:36 pm -I am so sorry for your experience with this situation. I’m surprised anyone would marry your son with a temper such as you describe. I am sorry this has just expanded the number of people you have to worry about. There is nothing more to add except that I hope the situation resolves itself soon and in a way that makes you happier.
33
WryBread
Feb 22, 2008 at 9:39 pm -I watched the video and think that indignant young television newslady should move into this woman’s home and see how she does with handling these creeps. I can see the headlines, “News Blonde Bashed Through Door After Asking for Help with Dishes.” She was so sure of herself, so arrogant. I’d love to know what triggered such deep anger in her.
34
mm_classy
Feb 22, 2008 at 10:26 pm -Watching that bitch talk really set me off. Seriously, it’s not always bad parenting. And if you’ve never lived it, you just have NO idea what a nightmare it is. Especially when you turn to everyone for help and there just is none.
She does just come off sounding so pompus and arrogant. I agree, let her try to control this bunch!
35
Unamused Cat
Feb 22, 2008 at 11:15 pm -Yah. I would like to see that judgmental bitch walk a mile in that mother’s shoes. bah…
36
Chrissey
Feb 23, 2008 at 12:39 am -The blond reporter lady is Megyn Kelly. She’s a former attorney that decided to become a journalist. I was shocked to hear that come out of her (I watch Fox News all the time and have never heard her say such stuff).
Here’s the email address to her Fox News show - the show is called Americas Newsroom. You can email her here if you want. I am definitely going to let her know I think she’s way wrong. americasnewsroom@foxnews.com
The male reporter with her was Bill Hemmer.
37
Chrissey
Feb 23, 2008 at 12:44 am -I did just send an email to Ms. Kelly letting her know that she was way off base and owed the mom of those boys an apology. I doubt it will do any good, but it felt good for me to write it!
38
Reputable
Feb 23, 2008 at 9:44 pm -Mom On Strike: Where’s the Dad?
http://www.myfoxorlando.com/my.....geId=1.1.1
39
impqueen
Feb 24, 2008 at 8:51 am -So Harold Dean has a history of violence toward Melissa, apparently wanted nothing to do with the boys, and the mother’s the one being charged with neglect.
Something wrong with that, I think.
40
Pirelli Jones
Feb 24, 2008 at 9:48 am -Fuck an A, the system works!
I’m just thankful no one is dead, with those boys in the video I might qualify that with, yet.
41
WryBread
Feb 24, 2008 at 11:27 am -Chrissey, I sent one, too. Thanks for the link.
42
mm_classy
Feb 24, 2008 at 11:43 am -I think the loser absentee father should be held more accountable than the mother that has been there every day trying to do the best she can!
43
colomom
Feb 24, 2008 at 1:51 pm -MM, I am really sorry you had to endure such turmoil with your son. I am really glad that you are ok now and feeling more sane.
I am really curious though. Where exactly do you think your son’s behavior issues come from? I have read so many stories where this type of behavior can be traced to a specific source. What do you think?
Thanks, in advance from a mom with a son at the threshold.
44
mm_classy
Feb 25, 2008 at 5:35 pm -After reading this, I spent all weekend thinking about it and this is what I came up with. I tried to call him and talk to him about it, but as fate would have it, he was put in jail Saturday. (warents for traffic tickets) He never goes to court, because of course, rules like these just dont apply to HIM. *sigh*
I think alot of his problems began when he was 5, and his dad and I got divorced. His dad was abusive, though he didn’t witness much of it, he did see him pick me up and slam me into a wall once, and try to smash my car window as I was leaving. The rest he never saw. My choice was to shield him from knowing just how bad things were. He knew there was more, and that he’d hurt me, but not just how really bad it was. Once the abuse started, I was gone from there within 3 months.
After I left, his dad would tell him how sorry he was, and he wanted us to come home. (my son wanted to go home) I would try to explain to my son that his daddy was “sick” (drank too much and got into drugs… ) because I didn’t want to really bad talk him. I thought it was enough for a 5 year old to deal with just to say he was sick and needed help, and that it wasn’t safe for us to live there.
In my sons mind back then, I was the bad guy. I left his daddy and broke up our home. His poor daddy that was soooo sorry. Why couldn’t I just forgive him and move back??
So, he had a ton of anger at me for leaving. (I did the right thing). Then with his dads issues, he became more and more irreponsible. He would call that he was coming over to see him and would be there in 15 minutes… I’d get him all ready, and he’d just never show up. repeatedly. Finally I stopped telling him he was coming over, but then my ex would call him and tell him he was coming. Or tell him they were going to a concert, or going to a monster truck rally, or something to get him all excited, and then just no show, no call…
As soon as the divorce was final I moved from up north, to Texas. Then he would get visitation for entire summers. My son always wanted to go, but then hated it when he got there, because he worked all the time and he had to go with him, which meant getting up at 5am during the summer. He was still drinking and in party mode when he was off work. Finally my son never wanted to go. Then my ex started bribing him. he’d promise him something outlandish to get him there, and then, never follow through.
After the 4th year, my ex just never called him again. My son would call him and try to talk to him, but he’d say he was busy and he’d call him back, and never did.
He told my daughters father once after he met him, Never promise me anything!
He was so angry and so hurt that his dad always had time to party, but no time for him. And so many let downs from him. He said he’d act out to hurt others before they could hurt him. He says he was up a wall for protection.
I always tried to be a good mom. I’m sure I made ALOT of mistakes. But never hurt him, or abused him. I was always there for him. And I tried to even protect him from his dads stupidity. Looking back, I really dont know what I could have done differently that would have made a big difference in his life.
45
thepooh5
Feb 25, 2008 at 5:57 pm -MM_CLASSY
All of that is so sad. You tried your best. I know how it is to have a father build you up and let you down. I believe his anger comes from that and not the mistakes you may have made. I’m still very angry with my dad - no show himself.
I’m sorry you had to experience that - maybe his wife should take their child and leave until he can treat her better. By her staying, she is showing their daughter that she does not deserve any better. It is a bad example. Talk to your daughter-in-law, for your granddaughter’s sake.
So sorry for your pain.
46
mm_classy
Feb 25, 2008 at 6:46 pm -I feel I’ve highjacked this topic. Thanks though for the kindness. I really just wanted to point out, it’s not always bad parenting, or at least not for the parent that is actually there trying! It is bad for the one that leaves and does nothing to help. But the main point to my babbling, was that there really is no help for these type situations. It’s so easy to say Oh I’d send them to boot camp, or I’d do this, or that… but really, it’s just not that simple. And actually, it’s very difficult.
I remember when I first heard of baby Alijah, and T J stomping his head, I told my husband,… now if the kid was a teenager I could almost see it! UGH. again, I never abused my kid. Ok I did slap him in the mouth once, but only after he wouldn’t quit cussing me and screaming in my face, and even then I didn’t fly off the handle and lose my temper, I look him square in the eye and said if you keep it up, I’m going to slap ya in the mouth… and well, I followed through. CPS was called on me, because my ring left a little scratch over his lip, and even them… I begged them for help, anything to get this kid in control. and they just said find something other than slapping him in the mouth, told him to shape up and left.
Again, my point of that was OMG there were times I wanted to smash his head threw a wall! But, well… you just DONT.
I feel so bad for this mother with 4 of them out of control. I think I’d be beggin for jail time, just to be away from the brats! I used to want to commit myself to a looney bin just for a vacation! I think this is an area in our system that really needs some help.
47
Chrissey
Feb 25, 2008 at 7:53 pm -MM_Classy - I’m sorry for what you went through. I think you did the best you could under the circumstances. {{Hugs!}}
Does anyone know where these boys are now that their mom has been put in jail? Are they in foster care? It sounds like that reporter went to the house and confronted the one punk…uh…mis-guided youth. If they’re still at the house, unsupervised, why is mom even in trouble?
48
Angel
Feb 25, 2008 at 8:28 pm -Popping a kid in the mouth is NOT abuse. Maybe for a small child it might be considered so, but if the kid is big enough to scream in your face and CUSS you, he’s big enough to get a quick reality check as well. And we all know that you can’t spank a kid that’s bigger than you are. To use one of my children as an example again (two examples actually), here goes:
My oldest was the same height as me by the time she was 12, and also outweighed me by a couple pounds. One day she asked me “Mom, what are you gonna do when I’m taller than you and you can’t spank me anymore?” My quick and glib reply was “You will never be too old for me to correct. If you do something deserving of a spanking, and I don’t feel up to the task - well, you have to sleep sometime, and I have some rope in the garage, and a bolo paddle that will still sting the hell out of you if applied properly. Don’t test me, child.” And she never did. We had our disagreements, and she did some things that were wrong or inappropriate for her age, but she maintained an acceptable level of respect for me, for the most part. There were a couple of instances when she got out of line, in the mouthiness department, which leads me to my second example:
She moved to Florida when she was 13, to live with her bio, because she and my current husband had differences of opinion on several matters (primarily dating - we wouldn’t let her, but bio would), she wanted to spend some time with her bio, and there was an excellent scholarship program that she was accepted into. Many other reasons, in smaller measure, but those were the primary factors. She told me every time we talked (almost every day on the phone) how much she missed me, and wished that things could be different. And I went to pick her up for a visit at least every other weekend, and on the weekends she stayed there, I would often get a hotel room in the area. On one of her visits to my house, (she was 15 at the time) she decided that since she had so much more freedom at her bio’s house than she did at mine, that I should relax my rules on her. I disagreed. She went to visit a friend on a Friday night (it was a Christmas visit, and she was with me for a week), and I told her we were going to town Saturday morning or early afternoon, and she should be home by then. When I called her friend’s house on Saturday morning, there was no answer, and my daughter had also turned off her cell phone. I went to the girl’s house, and got no answer when I knocked on the door. Both cars were in the drive, so I knew they had to still be somewhere on the property, but her friend lived on a farm (a big one), and I had no idea where to begin looking. I had to leave to go into town, because I had to pick up one of my other children from a sleepover she had gone to. I knew the parents of the girl my daughter was with, and knew that if anything bad had happened to her, I would have been notified; so I figured that my sweet angel simply hadn’t told the friend’s parents of my request, and decided to resolve the situation with my daughter after returning from town. I left a message on my girl’s cell phone, and when she called me back later I went parental on her. I told her I was on my way over to get her, and she better be ready when I got there. (I found out the whole family had gone 4-wheeling, and my daughter had not told the parents of my intended plans, because she wanted to go with them) When I got to her friend’s house I told her to get in the car, and when she started to refuse, I offered to call one of my police friends (it’s nice to live in a small town, sometimes) to reinforce my request, she got in the vehicle. As we were on the way home, I went over the many reasons why her actions were wrong, and she proceeded to roll her eyes at me, and make a big show of NOT listening. She even interrupted me to INFORM me that she was GOING to another friend’s house the following day. When I informed her that she was grounded until the end of the weekend, she screamed at me that I wasn’t going to tell her what to do, and I couldn’t stop her from leaving the house if she wanted to. I have to mention now, that I drove a suburban at that time, and she moved as far away from me as the front passenger seatbelt would allow before she raised her voice. I slowed the auto, and looked her in the eyes when I told her that if she raised her voice to me again I would, and I quote, “slap your face so hard, that your grandchildren will be born with their heads spinning,” end quote. Maybe I should have considered my verbiage before speaking, but I have always raised my children to know that they don’t always have to agree with me, but they do have to show me the respect due me as their mother. Her immediate response to me was “I’d like to see you try - you can’t even reach me!” Now, I may be old and a little out of shape, but I showed her just how fast I could ‘reach’ her. I leaned as far to the right as I could without letting go of the steering wheel with my left hand, and flung my right arm/hand in a backhanded manner at her. It was dark, I was driving, and she was a good distance away; all of these things contributed to keep me from slapping her as hard as I intended to. But I did manage to connect with the corner of her mouth. She was stunned into silence - for about 2 seconds. Then she screamed “I cannot BELIEVE you did that! You could have had a wreck and killed us both!” Not, “I didn’t deserve that.” or “You bitch!”, just a statement about the danger I had put us both in. At which point I replied, “You wanna try me again?” Her response: “Not unless I’m a lot further away from you, and have a good head start!” I’m not saying that was the end of that situation, because it wasn’t. She threatened to call her daddy when we got back to the house, and when I handed her the phone, she snarled “I’ll use MY cell phone.” Which she did, later. She did remain grounded for the weekend, and she even came and apologized to me later that night. She told me she thought it was wrong for me to have tried to slap her as hard as I could, but she thought she probably had been deserving of more force than I was able to actually apply. Even then I thought, ‘Now that’s a hell of a statement to come from a 15 year old.’ While she is and always has been mature for her age, that’s a statement most parents don’t get to hear until their kids have kids of their own.
So, while I am not advocating slapping or backhanding children as a general rule, there are some times when it’s the only way to get their attention. And that’s the only time I have actually attempted to put that much force into a open palm face slap. I have ‘popped’ my 14-year old for screaming at me a few times, but I curb my force (intentionally), because I don’t use that as a form of punishment, only a tool to get her attention. She has actually LAUGHED at me a time or two when I applied my attention getting technique. But it still served the intended purpose. It got her attention. And she has told me that she has no desire to test my boundaries by continuing with a screaming fit, after I have done that. She usually turns and walks away, and I let her, until we have both calmed down enough to have a rational exchange. I don’t know if this would work for everyone (I suspect not), but it has worked well for me. My children aren’t perfect, but they are respectful of their elders, and use the manners they were taught, when they are away from the house.
Sorry for writing a book, but, Classy lady, I just wanted you to know that sometimes extreme actions call for extreme measures, and while there might be a lot of people on this blog who disagree with me, I don’t consider the way I raise my children to be abusive. Abuse is done with malice, and most of the time in a fit of anger. When I correct my children, I try to do it after I have had a chance to calm down. I have had them sit in their rooms (for a long time, sometimes), until I was calm enough to deal with the situation. I won’t strike them in anger, because I refuse to be like my father was. I suffered through physical and psychological abuse for 15 years, and I refuse to let my children grow up with the same fear and self-esteem issues that I still struggle with to this day. Anyone who has ever been a parent knows, however, that no parents are perfect, and the ones who claim to be are usually the most screwed up of all.