A Tippecanoe woman is in jail after allowing her 5 year old sone to drive their 2002 Mitsubishi. She had been on a several day bender of prescription drugs, and after wisely realizing that she was in no shape to drive, she handed the keys over to her 5 year old. A neighbor, after seeing the 5yo in the driver’s seat and his 3 yo brother in the back seat, asked the mother why she was letting the kid drive. “He’s a good driver!” she exclaimed. Police interviewed the 5yo who complained that his feet couldn’t reach the pedals.

MotherMother reviews is still in jail in lieu of $10,000 bail.

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Apparently, fishermen in Japan have this little rite of passage where young men lose their virginity to manta rays whose stingers have been removed. The cap’n gets the first crack at it, then the rest of the crew gets jiggy with it, opening up all sorts of health issues in which STDs can get passed around (no word on what the STDs do to the Mantas). Quoth the storyteller:

“So some guys slip on condoms before they do it. Once I came down with the clap. But we were in port around that time and I did it with a woman, so I don’t have any way of knowing if I picked it up from her, or from the manta.”

It’s not so unbelievable. Those Japs are some kinky fuckers.

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Vienna – A 19-year-old identified as only Robert A, killed his 49-year-old roommate by crushing his skull with an iron bar. He then used a butcher knife to disembowel him. When the police entered the room, they found Robert sitting on the floor, covered in blood. His roommate’s body parts were strewn around the room and some half-eaten parts, including brains and intestines, were found on a plate in the kitchen. He greeted the officers by simply stating “Just look what happened here.”

The murder was discovered when a cleaner entered the shelter. The man told her about the murder and asked her to inform the police.

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WOODRUFF, S.C. — Brandon Burdette, 20, (pictured left) and Jonathan Phillips, 18, have been charged with felony animal cruelty after an incident involving a black kitten named Mischief.

The kitten’s owner, Jennifer Ingle, 23, shared a residence with Burdette and other friends. Mischief was a stray she had taken in about a month ago, and Burdette had recently moved in with Ingle. Burdette had been complaining about the kitten’s meowing and the fact that he was allergic to the cat. Instead of letting Ingle find a place to take the cat, he and Phillips decided to carry the kitten up the road to give it away. But Burdette took the kitten out of Phillips hands and proceeded to saw off Mischief’s head with a serrated kitchen knife.

Felony animal cruelty carries a penalty of up to five years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

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Maybe she thought it was an extremely large turd?! Claiming that she didn’t know she was pregnant (as if that’ll save her ass now), a McDonald’s worker goes into the bathroom, gives birth and then repeatedly tries to flush the newborn on down. Charges against the unnamed woman have not yet been filed, but the newborn survived and is thankfully in the hands of state welfare authority (as if that’ll save his ass now).

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Well, it’s been awhile since we had any necrophilia related stories…

MONESSEN, Pa. — Funeral director Johnny Draper left the Draper Funeral Home to talk to some friends across the street. After about 10 minutes, he noticed a light on in the basement and decided to go investigate. Draper found the body of a deceased woman, who had been previously prepped for a viewing, with one her legs up in the air, her stockings had been removed and the plastic covering her body had been torn open.

He also found Roderick Jones lying next to the coffin trying to hide. Draper restrained the man until police arrived. Jones has a history of burglary, criminal trespass and criminal mischief as well as being convicted of abuse of a corpse in 1999. Jones is being held in the Westmoreland County Prison, charged with abuse of a corpse and burglary, police said.

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JORDAN MINES – Edward F. Simssims reviews, 41, lived with his three daughters, 17-year-old Britney Sims, 14-year-old Amber Sims and 8-year-old Morgan Sims. He was separated from his wife,Karen Sims, 36, who left him a week ago and moved to Clifton Forge.

Neighbors saw him go for a walk SaturdaySaturday reviews along their narrow country road. He left to pick up Britney Sims at her new job at Kmart in Covington, said neighbor Linda Kemper, 52. and was seen playing catch with is youngest daughter.

“He was out there just having a good old time,” neighbor Lisa Tucker added. “I didn’t see his demeanor change.”

Later that night or early SundaySunday reviews morning, Sims shot each of his girls once in the head with a .380-caliber handgun as they lay in separate bedrooms, muffling the shots with a pillow. He then shot himself in the head. Authorities discovered the bodies Monday morning after the mother called saying she had not heard from the girls in a few days.

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SAN ANTONIO — Teresa Camirillo lost custody of her two children because of her drug use. Her 8-year-old daughter, Chrystal, was given to her uncle and aunt, Bettie and Steve Ramirez. It was in their home in which she was chained to a wall and was starved to death.

“The child was emaciated and in really poor condition,” Gonzales County Sheriff Glen Sachtleben said. “They chained her to a wall. They starved her.”

She weighed less than 30 pounds when they found her body. Betty Ramirez is being held on a $100,000 bond and Steve Ramirez is being held on a $150,000 bond. However, showing just what a great mother she truly is, Teresa Camarillo, who is not allowed to attend her daughter’s funeral because she relinquished custody, said she would risk arrest to see Chrystal buried…instead of not risking arrest and actually taking care of the girl in the first place. God bless her.

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Poor U.S. Sen. Larry Craig, an Idaho Republican…he simply went into the public restroom of Minneapolis-St. Paul International airport, checked a stall to see if it was occupied (it was), and went to adjoining stall. After placing his luggage in front of the stall door, he assumed his naturally wide stance while sitting on the toilet and his foot inadvertently touching the foot of the man sitting in the next stall. Then, because he is a senator, he reached down to grab a piece of paper only he could see, a few times. Just because this paper resided in the opposite stall being occupied by the man whose foot he was already touching is just a coincidence. So is the fact that the man in the other stall was an undercover policeman investigating complaints of lewd behavior in this particular bathroom.

He was then charged with disorderly conduct in which he plead guilty. He now regrets that decision stating “I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously.”

Poor guy…how unfair..could have happened to anyone.

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I’m sure everyone has heard by now, but thought I would go ahead and get it posted. Owen Wilson was hospitalized for allegedly taking a shitload of pills and slicing his wrists. Not surprisingly, judging by his acting talent, he failed to even do this correctly. So, unless he actually succeeds in his next attempt, I will leave it someone else to update his progress during this difficult time.

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In promoting his newest video-game-to-movie PostalPostal reviews, the genius formerly known as Uwe Boll pointed fingers at the industry that gives him all his “source material.”

From the article:

In response to several questions that essentially distilled to, “Why do you keep making bad movies?” Uwe offered several explanations.

First, Boll said that the stories in his films are lacking due to the fact that his source material isn’t good to begin with, offering up HouseHouse reviews of the Dead as an example. He went on to say that Sega had approved the film’s script, and that it ended up making $80 million worldwide, yet only took about $7 million to make.

Suuuuure, dickhead. The only reason that HotD made $80 mil is because people were willing to give it/you a chance. Ya blew it, man. You can’t proffer up the same wad of crap and expect people to fall for it again.

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Parents of a bunch of roughly 12 year old students were up in arms over their kids having seen the first 7-9 minutes of 300. The school board acknowledges that within the small bit of movies that the students watched, there was no murder, no nudity, no sex, and very little actual violence, but parents are still going apeshit – spitting such unbelievable bullshit as “My little Suzy can’t sleep after the horror she watched in that monster’s classroom!”

“We don’t allow R-rated movies in our home. It’s humiliating for Westside, but I can see where the teacher had a history lesson he was trying to get across,” she said. “I hate it for the school and the teacher. I know he was trying to hook them into being interested in that war and that age.”

How much you wanna bet me that at least half of those kids have seen any of the Lord of the Rings series? There’s a whole shitload of violence in those movies too. Let’s not forget the Spidermans, the PiratesPirates reviews of the Carribeans. Violence abounds these days. If the teacher had shown my kids the whole movie, I might be kinda ticked, but this was the mildest few minutes of the whole freakin’ movie, for fucks sake!

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WitnessesWitnesses reviews watched in horror as Tina Tatum, 29, beat her son inside a crowded Wal-Mart. Witnesses described watching Tina repeatedly punch her son Carlos Baca, 10, in the head, stomach and back with a closed fist as well as drag him around the store by his feet. CellCell reviews phone pictures also capture the boy’s grandmother dragging the boy out of the store by his hair.

Now here comes the whammy…this mother is on lifetime probation for her part in the death of her 3-month-old baby in 2003. Her then boyfriend, Pedro Peralta, is currently serving a life sentence for shaking the infant to death.

I am amazed that all these shoppers had time to call 911 and take cell phone pictures. If I had been there, that kid would have though I was Superman as he watched me knock the remaining teeth out of his mother’s mouth before bitch-slapping his grandmother 50 feet back into the aisle with the large jar of pickles. I mean that in all seriousness. There is no way in hell I could watch someone beat a kid like that.

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Update – 9/12/2008 – Johh Mullarkey was granted a delay in his trial in the stabbing death of his ex-girlfriend. The new trial date is Dec 8th. The delay is so that his defense attorney can obtain expert evaluation and analysis for a potential mental infirmity defense. More info at end of article

MONROEVILLE, Pa. — Demi Cuccia, 16, experienced some bad luck at an early age by picking a goddamn psycho, John Mullarkey Jr., 18, as a boyfriend. Experiencing an on again, off again relationship, friends described the couples situation as “delicate” with John being the extremely jealous type. Cuccia’s mother had forbade her from seeing John, but while she was out Wednesday, John made a housecall. Neighbors heard screaming and yelling so they went to investigate.

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